LOL pics? :bishplz: LOL text... [Archive] - Page 2

theholycow

09-27-2012, 09:14 PM

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/68310
Supertramp – Breakfast in America

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one I got
Not much of a girlfriend
Never seem to get a lot

Take a jumbo across the water
Like to see America
See the girls in California
I'm hoping it's going to come true
But there's not a lot I can do

Could we have kippers for breakfast
Mummy dear, Mummy dear
They got to have 'em in Texas
Cos everyone's a millionaire

I'm a winner, I'm a sinner
Do you want my autograph
I'm a loser, what a joker
I'm playing my jokes upon you
While there's nothing better to do

Don't you look at my girlfriend
She's the only one I got
Not much of a girlfriend
Never seem to get a lot

Take a jumbo cross the water
Like to see America
See the girls in California
I'm hoping it's going to come true
But there's not a lot I can do

You are all a bunch of lunatics. Read the lyrics, they are self explanatory. The ONLY part of the song that might give you any reason to give question is the kippers for breakfast part. Kippers are NOT a delicacy. Kippers are the real life version of red herring. Think about it. The child is way off from reality with his request for a proverbial red herring, just like the rest of the song. Want this, want that, it has little meaning in the big picture. We just want. But its all a read herring. Like the girlfriend, take a look at her, never seem to get alot, but she's the only one I got, etc. Its all wonderful but not as wonderful as it seems.

The people asking about the "jumbo" reference; Dolts, it means "jumbo jet"...."took a jumbo across the water, like to see America" How would you go across the water to see America? Obviously not from anywhere close by, has to go ACROSS THE WATER to get here. What else would it be? JUMBO what? Think of all the words ever used in conjunction and tell me what else it could possibly be..."JUMBO"- what? Hmmm, goes across the water to America.....Hmmmm, Jumbo.... Jumbo Boat? Jumbo Submarine? Jumbo Balloon? Jumbo Slingshot? Jumbo Spacecraft? What could it possibly be that is considered jumbo that is used to go across the water to the USA from abroad? Oh, JUMBO F*UCKING JET is a commonly used phrase, could it possibly be that? No, let me ask a dopey question on this website. What are you freaking 105 years old? Get a clue.

JoeFubietze on July 29, 2011
:roflsquared: :clap: Bravo, JoeFubietze, bravo.

stonehenge

09-27-2012, 09:28 PM

:hemad:

lowerc

09-28-2012, 01:25 PM

Jumbo.....I thought he was still talking about his shitty girlfriend. no idea it was a jet. :roflshrug:

theholycow

09-28-2012, 01:44 PM

TBH I could never make out 60% of the words in that song and always thought he was saying something about gumbo.

stonehenge

10-05-2012, 10:04 PM

Pics of text count? Thought some were jesty:

http://imgur.com/a/pCdd7

Cez★

10-05-2012, 10:25 PM

Lol @ holy deuce one

linden

10-17-2012, 09:05 PM

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=105

stonehenge

10-17-2012, 09:37 PM

:rofltank:

Fatso

10-18-2012, 09:29 PM

lol

stonehenge

11-06-2012, 05:12 PM

About six years back I was working as a phone support temp for a very large outsourcing company that dealt with everything from attaching servers to racks to plugging USB cables into cellphone chargers for their customers. One of these customers was of the largest branches of a government suit that had users ranging from shift nurses to oil rig workers, which meant calls could be everything from pressing a power button to that someone's cell tower was causing packet loss for a production server out in the Altantic.

One of these calls was from an elderly woman who presented herself as the head nurse of a retirement home that was in dire need of assistance with their... cheese wheel.

Paraphrasing this from memory, it went something along these lines:

Elderly woman: "The cheese wheel stopped working this morning, we can't get any work done now!"

Me: "The... did you just say cheese wheel?"

Elderly woman: "What else would it be?! Your guys installed the thing, now fix it!"
Me, muting the call: groan

Me, to co-worker: "Which of the installation techs would install a cheese wheel for a retirement home?"

Co-worker: "Che-- what? Are you sure you aren't getting a prank call?"

Me, unmuting the line: "Is this supposed to be a joke? We don't "install" cheese wheels."

Woman: "MANAGER."

Me, muting the line, to manager: "<location> has trouble with their cheese wheel and wants to speak with you."

Manager stares blankly at me and checks the date, we're in the middle of January. "Cheese?"

Me: "Yes... cheese."

Manager, picking up the call and putting it on speaker: "This is ilifins manager, <name>. What seems to be the problem?"

Woman: "Our bloody cheese wheel isn't fucking working anymore and your shitty phone man is not listening to me!"

Manager: "I can assure you that we do not install cheese wheels as there would be quite the smell from rotting cheese after a while. Can you describe the object to me?"

Woman: "It's giant, it's yellow, it's full of holes and it stopped blinking this morning! No blinking is a bad sign, said <funniest installation tech we've ever had> when he plugged it in for us."

Manager, choking a laugh: "Did he call it the cheese wheel?"

Woman: "YES! WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING ME"

Manager: "I understand the problem at hand and will take the necessary steps to rectify your situation. A man will be at your location within the hour."

Woman: "THANK YOU." <click>

The office landscape of 50+ people bursts into laughter and the installation tech in question comes strolling in at the most amazing timing anyone has ever had. The slowly developing shitfaced grin on his face as we explained why we were laughing was priceless. "I knew this day would come," he said as he picked up his car keys and went into a store room, bringing out a spare circular shaped USB hub with 12 ports in it, yellow and quite full of holes.

TL;DR Giving weird nicknames to the wrong things confuses phone techs, creating a cheesy situation.

:lol:

Cez★

11-06-2012, 05:43 PM

:rofltank:

theholycow

12-10-2012, 08:31 PM

From http://www.safebraking.com/humor-funny-brake-failure-joke/

A mechanic, a manager, and a computer programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says “We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next!” The mechanic says, “Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and I’ll have us going in no time!” The programmer looks at them both and says, “Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.”

stonehenge

12-10-2012, 08:54 PM

lulz

theholycow

12-12-2012, 01:06 AM

I only understand this one because of internet memes. Thank you, internet!

http://notalwaysromantic.com/good-thing-they-caught-each-other-part-10/23972
(One night, my husband walks into the bedroom while I am the middle of changing into my pyjamas.)

Husband: “A wild Sarah appears!”

Me: “Wild Sarah uses ‘seduce’!”

(I start kissing him, and we sit on the bed.)

Husband: “It’s super-effective.”

(At that moment, my husband puts his hands on my bare back.)

Me: “Gah! Your hands are cold!” *jumps away*

Husband: “Steve uses ‘frigid hands’!”

Me: “The wild Sarah retreats!”

stonehenge

12-12-2012, 01:34 AM

pokemans

Cez★

12-12-2012, 02:03 AM

it got away :(

theholycow

12-12-2012, 02:09 AM

http://notalwaysright.com/fare-the-horde/24798
(Bus | Seattle, WA, USA)

(On my Seattle bus, a passenger tries to slip in through the back door and sneak to a seat without paying.)

Bus Driver: “Please come up and pay, sir.”

Fare-evading Passenger: *smirks and ignores him*

Bus Driver: “Sir, please come up and pay.”

Fare-evading Passenger: *continues ignoring him*

(Fed up, I intervene.)

Me: “That’s you, bro.”

Fare-evading Passenger: *smirks again*

(I wait a few seconds before I get up, walk over, and pull out one of his ear-buds.)

Me: “Look. I got three hours of sleep last night, I’m having a bad morning, and you are not going to make me late for work. Get your self-entitled a** up there and pay your d*** fare!”

Fare-evading Passenger: *slinks up to the front of the bus and pays*

(Note that I’m wearing a t-shirt with “Thrall” from World of Warcraft. Another passenger at the front notices and shouts back towards me…)

Another Passenger: “FOR THE HORDE!”

An irritable warcraft player with insufficient sleep? That's novel. :rolleyes:

theholycow

12-31-2012, 10:25 PM

http://notalwaysright.com/waaay-lost-in-translation/26065
(Retail | Aurora, CO, USA)

(It is a pretty mild day, and most everyone is buzzing about the new Ikea that has opened up the month prior. I am chatting with a particularly effervescent woman with a full cart to scan. She has asked about my studies.)

Me: “I’m just going to school downtown. I’m studying Spanish and German.”

Customer: “Wow! That’s impressive! Pretty and smart!”

Me: “Oh, well thank you! I actually pick up languages easily. I’ve also studied Chinese and French, and for the past year my best friend has been teaching me Swedish.”

Customer: *scoffs* “Swedish? Ha! Like you could speak Swedish!”

Me: “Yes, actually I can. He actually was born and raised in Stockholm… he’s still living there, actually. He’s Swedish, teaching me Swedish, so I can go to Sweden.”

Customer: “Well, I know people who work at Ikea, and they know Swedish. So, tell me, what’s ‘Hello,’ then?”

Me: “‘Hej,’ or ‘Hallo.’ That can be followed up with ‘Hur mår du’ and other various phrases.”

Customer: “Ha! I knew you didn’t speak Swedish. That’s not how you say ‘Hello!’”

Me: “Yes, it is, actually.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! My friends work at Ikea! They would know! You’re not speaking Swedish. That’s not Swedish!”

Me: “Okay, then apparently my Swedish friend doesn’t know how to speak his native tongue. How do you say, ‘Hello’, in Swedish?”

(The customer looks proud in her win and straightens herself.)

Customer: “It’s f*******e.”

(My jaw drops. The translation of this is roughly ‘c***face’.)

Me: “Yes… yes sweetie, that’s exactly how you say that. You’re right. Have a nice day.”

(She left looking incredibly satisfied. The moment I got off of work, I texted my friend. He and I still laugh about this over a year later.)

stonehenge

12-31-2012, 10:38 PM

ikea calls peeps cuntface as they enter the store?

:notbad:

Cez★

12-31-2012, 10:47 PM

whats with the bleeping out.fgts

theholycow

01-08-2013, 09:46 PM

Every day in IT....

http://notalwaysworking.com/problem-exists-in-the-impossibly-tiny-space-between-chair-and-keyboard/28081
(Tech Support | Chicago, IL, USA)

(I write software for manufacturing companies. I’ve just written a program for a company with a plant in Iowa, and have installed it on the supervisor stations at the manufacturing sites. It has been online for about two months, and has gotten lots of praise from the people who have used it. One morning, at about 2 am, I receive a phone call from one of the night supervisors at that plant.)

Supervisor: “Your program’s screwed up! It locked up after I had put in about 90% of the data I need to, and it won’t let me finish!”

(I remember this supervisor: it’s important to note that his office makes trash cans look spacious. For someone to open the door, he has to turn his wheeled chair ninety degrees. There’s no room to back the chair up; you need to stand up, push the chair under the desk, move out of the way, and then open the door.)

Me: “Okay, tell me exactly what happened.”

Supervisor: “I was entering data, when [line boss] comes in with the orders for the morning shift. I talked with him about them for about 2 minutes, then he went back to work and I sat back down at the computer I tried to continue typing, but nothing is happening!”

Me: “Try moving the mouse. Does the cursor move on the screen?”

Supervisor: “Yes, that still seems to be working.”

Me: “Good. I was kind of expecting this problem Click on the SAVE button in the program.”

Supervisor: “But I’m not done entering the data!”

Me:“ I know, but this way you don’t lose any of the work you have done. Let me know when it says save is complete.”

Supervisor: ”Okay, it’s done.”

Me: “Now, look at the back of the keyboard. Do you see the cable coming out the back?”

Supervisor: “Yes…”

Me: “Follow the cable back to the end.”

Supervisor: *grunts* “Okay, I can see the end.”

Me: “Is it plugged into anything?”

Supervisor: “No.”

Me: “When you turned your chair, your knee probably caught on the keyboard cable and unplugged it. If you plug it back in, everything should be fine.”

(I listen to the sounds of grunting for a minute. Eventually, he gets back on the phone.)

Supervisor: “Yeah, it works now. Tomorrow I’m getting a wireless mouse and keyboard. Thanks!”

stonehenge

01-08-2013, 10:20 PM

dnw nasty offices full of trash

i remember a couple that were kinda :uhoh: when i was doing normal tech stuffs and plenty of keyboards that made me wash my hands right away

:korkahdnw:

theholycow

01-09-2013, 01:27 AM

Doesn't sound like his office is full of trash, sounds like it's a tiny closet that they call his "office". Some of our faculty have "offices" like that. :(

stonehenge

01-09-2013, 01:38 PM

Ah i see, fts also

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

theholycow

02-06-2013, 08:16 PM

http://notalwaysright.com/yukon-freeze-it-part-2/27030
(Call Center | ON, Canada)

(I work at a call centre located in Canada, but our focus is verifying orders placed for long distance phone service with a particular company in America, so all our incoming calls originate from there. I am on a call with a man from a Southern state.)

Caller: “Where are you from?”

Me: “We’re located in Canada, sir.”

Caller: “Oh wow, you must see a lot of moose up there then?”

Me: “Well, maybe more so out west, sir. But we are in Southern Ontario. There aren’t really any moose here.”

Caller: “You must have a lot of snow, right?”

Me: *it’s currently Summer* “Yes, during the winter we can get lots of snow.”

Caller: “How do you power your call centre?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? We use electricity.”

Caller: “Wouldn’t the heat from electricity melt the igloos?”

(I have to mute my headset as I laugh and try to compose myself. I want so badly to joke with him, but our calls are recorded.)

Me: “No, sir. We live in houses and buildings in cities just like you. Even way up north I don’t think you’d find any igloos anymore.”

Caller: “Really? Oh. What were you asking me again?”

(We resume the call as normal, but at the after our goodbyes, he jumps in.)

Caller: “Wait! If I give you my email, can you send me a picture of a moose?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

Caller: “Aw, how come?”

Me: “Because it’s against company policy and the moose are camera shy. Have a great day, sir!”

stonehenge

02-06-2013, 08:22 PM

:bs: lowerc haz igloo imo

theholycow

02-06-2013, 08:46 PM

:word::canadian::canadapatriot:

lowerc

02-06-2013, 09:22 PM

:imo:

http://www.zipzag.ca/images/Igloo-300x225.jpg

stonehenge

02-06-2013, 09:29 PM

:bitchin:

theholycow

02-06-2013, 09:31 PM

:canadian::igloo::repz:

lowerc

02-06-2013, 09:40 PM

igloo was google pic but dude in story was a bish, couldn't even provide Moose pic? WTF?

This is actually my brother in the pic. BAMF

http://i1217.photobucket.com/albums/dd389/lowerc/moose2_zps48542052.jpg

theholycow

02-06-2013, 09:42 PM

:horyshet:

How'd it taste?

Cez★

02-06-2013, 09:47 PM

moose hunting. canada, FUCK YEA

lowerc

02-06-2013, 09:50 PM

:horyshit:

How'd it taste?

Was delish, I really like moose. Out of all the wild game I've had I would say it is most similar to beef than the others.

Cez★

02-06-2013, 09:51 PM

moose, canadas cow

stonehenge

02-06-2013, 09:56 PM

caonada

theholycow

03-01-2013, 03:36 AM

This one's for Gary...
http://notalwaysright.com/the-darkest-coffee-lightens-the-mood/27567
Cafe | Cleveland, OH, USA

(We’ve just opened and I already have a long line, which is being held up by a customer whose drink I’ve remade three times, but he’s still not pleased. He’s been yelling at me for the last three minutes, and the entire line is started to get annoyed.)

Customer #1: “How hard is it to make a d*** drink?”

Me: “Sir, I’ve made your drink exactly how I was taught. If you would just—”

Customer #1: “Then I guess you’re too f***ing stupid to make it right!”

(He grows increasingly belligerent, swearing at me for another minute or so. However, Customer #2, a woman behind him, has had enough. She grabs him by the shoulder and physically turns him to look at her.)

Customer #2: “Shut. The. F***. Up! I just had a f***ing baby! I’m on my period and PMS-ing! And I haven’t slept for three f***ing days! You are getting in between me and my coffee. Now take your d*** sissy drink and get the f*** out of my way, before I get angry!”

(Everyone in the store is stunned at her outburst.)

Customer #1: “But she didn’t—”

Customer #2: *through her teeth* “She. Made. It. Right. LEAVE.”

(He takes his drink and slinks out of the store. Everyone is still in shock when Customer #2 walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Wha-what can I get you, ma’am?”

Customer #2: “Large. Black.”

Me: “Would you—”

Customer #2: “No.”

(I make her drink as quickly as is possible. I give her a smile as I hand it to her.)

Me: “Have a wonderful day, and may I just say you look fantastic for just having had a baby.”

Customer #2: *much sweeter now* “Thank you. You have a good day, too.”

(She left a $20 tip!)

Cez★

03-01-2013, 03:37 AM

i woulda looked to person behind me (if i were in line) and been like :omg:

stonehenge

03-01-2013, 07:43 AM

I would a been like :blackkidooo:

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

lowerc

03-01-2013, 02:48 PM

I woulda been like:

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcz617rSy01r38j04o1_500.gif

stonehenge

03-01-2013, 04:17 PM

and then we all woulda been like

:stickfap:

theholycow

03-01-2013, 04:43 PM

:word: We know she puts out, after all...

theholycow

04-24-2013, 04:17 PM

http://notalwayslearning.com/el-burro-sabe-mas-que-tu/30639
(High School | Connecticut, USA)
High School | Connecticut, USA

(I’m taking a quiz and am seated next to a student who likes to bully me. All period long, she calls me a nerd under her breath while simultaneously trying to cheat off of my paper.)

Bully: *reads off my paper* “Ugh! ‘Dinero?’ I thought the Spanish word for money was ‘moo-la.’”

Me: “No, no. ‘Moo-la’ is cow.”

Bully: *smacks herself in the forehead* “Duh. I knew that!”

Me: “And a bull is ‘moo-lo.’ ‘O’ makes it masculine.”

Bully: “Duh! Everyone knows that, dweeb!” *writes it down*

http://notalwayslearning.com/appropriate-applications-of-apathy/30594
(High School, Spanish Class | Poughkeepsie, NY, USA)
High School, Spanish Class | Poughkeepsie, NY, USA

Teacher: “[Student], what does ‘me da igua’ mean?”

Student: “I don’t care.”

Teacher: “Good job!”

Student: “That was actually correct? Because I really don’t care.”

BillyJeanKing

04-24-2013, 04:18 PM

igloo was google pic but dude in story was a bish, couldn't even provide Moose pic? WTF?

This is actually my brother in the pic. BAMF

[IMG]http://i1217.photobucket.com/albums/dd389/lowerc/moose2_zps48542052.jpg[IMG]

po lil moose :(

lowerc

04-24-2013, 04:26 PM

gotta eat man

that moose had a better life than any beef you buy in a store.

stonehenge

04-24-2013, 04:45 PM

based on that, it would be more humane to kill the cow then :cheeky:

lowerc

04-24-2013, 05:01 PM

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTWlJ-xxWL11CND5AYVUPMiZMrnKfdb57ivtpYRUP93Q5-iHpwrRw

BillyJeanKing

04-24-2013, 05:21 PM

based on that, it would be more humane to kill the cow then :cheeky:

run cao, wun be comin for joo!!!

theholycow

04-24-2013, 06:00 PM

BRING IT ON JUAN http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv315/theh0lyc0w/EmotiCows/wolverine.gif (http://s695.photobucket.com/user/theh0lyc0w/media/EmotiCows/wolverine.gif.html)
:ape:

BillyJeanKing

04-24-2013, 06:01 PM

:popcorn:

stonehenge

04-24-2013, 06:07 PM

:sofa:

theholycow

06-03-2013, 05:45 PM

Buncha stuff from http://www.fmylife.com

Some are funny, some are bummers, some are WTFs...

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

WtfDidIPayYouForThen says FML
by WtfDidIPayYouForThen
Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

songbird062 says FML
by Anonymous
Today, my boyfriend of two years, whom I supported through the death of his father, and whose invalid mother I also took care of, suddenly dumped me. The fact that I've put on a little weight due to recent stress disgusts him, and he "can't date a chubster". FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

SamanthaPribble says FML
by SamanthaPribble
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina says FML
by Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina
Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

i hit a cyclist says FML
by i hit a cyclist
Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

faitoh says FML
by faitoh
Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML

onefishtwofishes says FML
by onefishtwofishes
Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

maarkblack says FML
by maarkblack
Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

projectfain says FML
by projectfain
Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

pregnant loser apparently says FML
by pregnant loser apparently
Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

V says FML
by V
Today, I went to the ER after I got my finger trapped in the car door. I told the reception nurse I was pretty sure it was broken. His reply was, "Car doors don't break fingers" and then he put me at the bottom of the list. 5 hours later, I found out it was indeed broken. So much for the theory. FML

harrington61 says FML
by harrington61
Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

disappointed dad says FML
by disappointed dad
Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

dafuqdidisee says FML
by dafuqdidisee
Today, I woke up and went into my living room, only to be greeted by my aunt, sister, and mother watching a very graphic video showing women giving birth. They forced me to stay and watch it until the end. It was almost 90 minutes. FML

Devin says FML
by Devin
Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

Anonymous says FML
by Anonymous
Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

mackmackey says FML
by Anonymous
Today, while at hospital with a broken arm, I was asked to raise my hand onto the x-ray machine. I told the nurse I couldn't move it without extreme pain. She told me to suck it up, picked up my arm, and dropped it on the machine. I could feel the bone completely separate. FML

SteroidPenguin says FML
by SteroidPenguin
Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML

lez probs says FML
by lez probs
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

JACKxRAWR says FML
by JACKxRAWR
Today, I recieved a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

Chelsea says FML
by Chelsea
Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

stonehenge

06-03-2013, 05:56 PM

"God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking."

:lol:

Cez★

06-03-2013, 06:08 PM

some of those seem to be written by young twats

stonehenge

06-03-2013, 06:08 PM

fgt YTs :imo

shootermcgavin003

06-03-2013, 06:56 PM

not like a bish in a bikini cant get a ride home. bus :bishplz:

lowerc

06-03-2013, 07:12 PM

"can't date a chubster"

you're up cao, do work son

theholycow

06-03-2013, 07:23 PM

:word: :humping:

---------- Post added at 02:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:15 PM ----------

http://notalwaysromantic.com/peddling-to-the-metal-heads/26340

Peddling To The Metal (Heads)
Music Store | FL, USA | Dating

(I’m shopping at a music store. I pass by a scary-looking guy in all black, with his hair dyed in dark blue spikes, covered with chains, piercings and tattoos. He seems to be buying an album from a local death metal group, whose cover features sexually explicit and anti-religious artwork. The scary guy takes the CD up to the counter.)

Scary Guy: “I want to get this, and a soda.”

Salesperson: “Coming right up.”

(The salesperson gets a soda from the small refrigerator behind the counter, and starts to ring the scary guy’s purchase up.)

Salesperson: “So, uh…[death metal band], huh?”

Scary Guy: “It’s for my girlfriend. She digs that s***.”

Salesperson: “This is for a girl?!”

Scary Guy: “Yeah, so?”

Salesperson: “Girls don’t listen to music like this!”

Scary Guy: “Uh, yeah she does. Just bag the disc, man.”

Salesperson: “I can’t let you give this to a girl! She’s probably just pretending to like it because you do!”

Scary Guy: “Don’t give me any crap. Just ring up the d*** CD.”

Salesperson: “Girls don’t like this music!”

Scary Guy: “All right, you and me are gonna have a problem, right—”

(Suddenly, a girl comes around the corner. She looks a lot like the scary guy; she is also wearing all black clothes, lots of piercings and tattoos, spiky pink hair and a choker that says ‘F*** you’.)

Scary Girl: “What’s going on here, babe?”

Scary Guy: “Pencil-d*** here won’t ring up your birthday present, angel.”

(The scary girl suddenly turns on the salesperson.)

Scary Girl: “What f****** business is it of yours what my babe gets me, pencil-d***?”

Salesperson: “Uh…”

(The scary girl leans over the counter, right in the salesperson’s face.)

Scary Girl: “I think you had better give us what we want, pencil-d***.”

(The salesperson goes completely white, and finishes the transaction at lightning speed.)

Scary Guy: “Thanks for jack-s***, pencil-d***.”

(The scary guy gives the CD to his girlfriend.)

Scary Guy: “Here you go, angel.”

Scary Girl: “[Death metal band]? Awwww, babe! You’re the darkest!”

(They walk out of the store kissing. I approach the counter with my own purchase.)

Me: “Just this for me, pencil-d***.”

stonehenge

06-03-2013, 07:30 PM

last line ftw

:lol:

shootermcgavin003

06-03-2013, 07:32 PM

:lol: why this doosh give a fuck

stonehenge

06-03-2013, 07:33 PM

srs

theholycow

06-03-2013, 07:38 PM

Seems to happen pretty often, if reading notalwaysworking.com is any indication.

stonehenge

06-06-2013, 10:31 PM

omfg read the reviews: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

lowerc

06-07-2013, 03:50 AM

I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless

:lol:

Cez★

06-07-2013, 04:43 AM

bollocks :rofl:

pinche fancy english werd. must start using :likeasir:

theholycow

06-07-2013, 11:08 AM

"This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel" :roflsquared:

stonehenge

11-13-2013, 03:05 PM

some random jokes from reddit that made me jest. Thread title is "What's the shortest, but funniest joke you know?"

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full
It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.
A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You gotta leave. We don't serve food here."
What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off
Job interview:

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

I hear it's making headlines
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
A man walks into a bar.

The other one ducks.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball

-Gluhhgluh
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Congress.

moar if you want: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1qitlm/whats_the_shortest_but_funniest_joke_you_know/

I jested many times. Some are the sucks though.

Cez★

11-13-2013, 03:29 PM

ROFL @ the honesty one

theholycow

11-13-2013, 03:39 PM

I LOL'd at "What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full"

The sandwich/we don't serve food here reminded me of this:
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal!

stonehenge

11-13-2013, 04:03 PM

:lol:

shootermcgavin003

11-13-2013, 05:21 PM

The jewish one on reddit about dick snipping :omg:

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk 2

stonehenge

11-13-2013, 06:01 PM

you could have copy/pasted it :blahclap:

---------- Post added at 09:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:36 AM ----------

trying to find the one you're talking about. closest so far:

Jewish dilemma: Free ham.

:jester:

---------- Post added at 09:55 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:41 AM ----------

what's the difference between a jew and a canoe? a canoe tips

still don't see one with a duck

---------- Post added at 10:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:55 AM ----------

A mexican, a jew and a black man all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says " Get the fuck outta here."

offensive x3 :roflmao:

Cez★

11-13-2013, 06:13 PM

:rofltank:

shootermcgavin003

11-13-2013, 10:46 PM

why do jewish get circumsized Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 15% off?

more

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair

How long is a Chinese name

Why dies Ariel wear seashells? Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

Three baby seals walk into a club.

Man goes to the doctor for a physical. Doctor says "You've got to stop masturbating so much." Man says "Why?" "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

theholycow

11-19-2013, 02:51 AM

Saw this on facebook...this guy's rambling is great.

more answers..you can probably figure out the questions..
1. i do judge someone by the guitar they play and how they play it..i mean i cruise through the channels and i see a video of a guy who's got enough money to have big tires on his pickup truck that's in a field somewhere down a dirt road and a bunch of girls in cowboy boots and cut off jeans are dancing around and he's got this cheap ass almost toy cutaway guitar that he never plays a chord past the 5th fret on it..well it just skives me out...if your record company is gonna pay a bunch of money for a stylist and a dance instructor and promote you as the next half ass country pop rock star hunk..at least learn a bar chord..jeez.
hmm...beginning to sound like 'hey you kids get off my lawn.' again. sorry.
2. no. i have not done the austin city limits tv show except a cameo thing when hayes carll asked me to sing drunken poets dream with him. my only national tv appearances have been on dave letterman and jimmy fallon. dave requested 'mother blues' and jimmy asked us to do 'drunken poets'. oh yeah, one other television show i did was..was..(stop reading now unless you swear never to tell anyone of what follows. no one..ever..) aw man..i don't wanna say this..don't make me tell this..don't do it..don't do it...noooooo....noooo....aghhhh..oh, okay it was ''the dating game.''
thats right you knew you recognized me..i was bachelor number 2.
it was around 1972 or 73 and i was 23 or 24 years old and was in la staying with an actor friend of mine named royce applegate. he gets a call from the screen actors guild saying they need someone to be on the dating game that night or something like that but he had an audition to go to so he suggested to them that i do it and they said sure and he told me i should do it cause they'd feed me or give me a meal buy out.
chuck barris was there in the studio that afternoon where they had a test run. they told me to quit faking the accent and when they realized i wasn't they said i passed the audition and gave me like 10 dollars for dinner and said come back that night..for some reason beyond my understanding or better judgement i did.
they taped 5 shows right after each other in one night starting at 7 and i was to be on the third show.
in the green room before the show they gave each guy a glass of medium priced champagne to loosen then up. after the make up girl left..i found a unopened bottle.
to be continued...

...of course not as great as his music, but the best wall of half-assed text from an old guy I've seen on facebook.

stonehenge

11-21-2013, 06:34 PM

It's a dark morning and I'm trying to keep my eyes open in the dim light of the monitors. Suddenly my slumber is disturbed the dreaded Nokia tune... Titidiii diiii tititidiiii diiii diiiiii! Sigh I pick up the phone and answer:

Me: This is TECHCOMPANY HELPDESK Macmula how can I help you.

Customer: Yes, hello the mail is not working.

Me: Okay could you please tell me what company you work for? (Our helpdesk handles multiple customers)

Customer: What do you mean? Can't you see my phone number?

Tear of hatred slides at my cheek

Me: Mam, I'm sorry but I cant really tell that from your phonenumber. I need to know which company you are from to know which server I need to log into.

Customer: Sigh it's always like this with you guys... Okay, I'm from SOMECOMPANY.

Me: Okay thank you very much. Let me check if your exchange server is running ok.

*I then proceed to check if services are running, send a couple of test emails (all ok). I also log into the exchange management console and check the mail queue, all ok of course...

Me: Okay i just checked the mail server and everything seems to be ok. Could you please elaborate what exactly you are doing when you send the email?

Customer: Write the message and attach the file and then click send. Im not doing anything wrong! Please check the server again!

Me: Mam... What kind of a file are you trying to send?

Customer: just a small video file!

Ruhroh.wav

Me: Okay, just bear with me for a moment. How big is the file?

Customer: Windows says it's only one kilobyte!

Me: Okay... What does it say in outlook next to the file name when you attach the file to the mail?

Customer: uuuh...... 1048576KB, what does that mean?

Wat

Me: Mam the file you are sending is not 1 kilobyte... it's one gigabyte. You can't send files this big through email. What are you trying to send?

Customer: The new Marvel movie to my friend. Why do you need to know?

I then proceeded to facedesk and briefly give this woman a lecture of internet piracy, email size and why not to try to do this with the company email....

tl;dr: customer tries to run do some warez with company email...

lulz

theholycow

11-21-2013, 06:43 PM

^Oh man, I'd be quite irritated.

Another semi-senile rant from Ray Wylie Hubbard today. I find these jesty.
i seem to have the ability to stir things up..
yeah, but you wait..only got one more year of bad luck from the mirror i broke 6 years ago..then its off to fame and fortune.
wait a minute..lets think that over..
if any body ever gives you a choice..pick rich and unknown..poor and famous sucks.
i mean i'm at the grocery store and some one says to me..''aren't you ray wylie hubbard? can i have your autograph?''
and i say, ''hang on a minute..hey lady, that coupon says i'm suppose to get 25 cents off that can of cat food.''
so, rich and unknown any day..
i'm just kidding.
i wallow in my just above hobby status on my income tax return celebrityness.
okie dokie cow pokies..where do we go from here..
oh yeah.
hey i was just messing with ya..
i 'll finish about the dating game and willie's family kidnapping me here on facebook soon enough..but first..
listen up..('read up' just doesn't have the attention getting power as 'listen up') so listen up..
i thought it would be obvious that the stuff i say onstage and the songs i write are not always on the up and up as it relates to something some know as..the truth.
i mean even if i am performing at a concert series in a church or there's a reverend or preacher in the audience somewhere or some yogi holy man is visiting from where ever he sleeps on a bed of nails at night and might be in the crowd..
well, the fact of the matter is.. the truth is not on the guest list and ain't gonna make it to the gig..
the stage is not like a confessional or a court of law or a doctor's office or any where else you must tell the truth..like at denny's on your birthday..
so what i'm saying is..
i cannot be trusted.
but y'all have been so nice to me..i'm gonna come clean..
so..
the woman i love is not named ramona,
i never said to a rabbit, ''are you gonna make it?''.
i never robbed a liquor store,
i never saw the devil limping along cause his shoes was too tight.
however
i do got a woman that's wild as rome,
i did see a black crow on a fence post,
lucas did end up with my les paul gold top,
and when death comes a knocking..i believe i will ask God to open the door.
so there you go.
stay tuned..or don't..
yours (maybe..sorta..kinda..no, not really) truly (at all, it seems)
rwh

stonehenge

11-21-2013, 06:51 PM

dat rambling

stonehenge

01-10-2014, 05:17 PM

I repair/fix desktops/laptops for people and build gaming PCs for people. I had just finished an m-itx gaming desktop and it was for someone, lets call him D. I did a good job organizing the psu cables between the case wall and the motherboard mounting wall. I gave it to the person and about 2 hours later I get a call from D "Ya, my new computer just sparked all over the place and let out a loud hissing noise"... he brought it over to my house. I looked at it and the case was full of holes, this conversation ensued:

me: Why is the case full of holes?

D: I drilled the holes and I was going to paint them to look like bullet holes.

me: Why the hell would you think that was a good idea??

D: Because bullet holes are cool and I want a cool computer...

I opened up the case and saw he had drilled through the side of the case and into the motherboard cable. On the other side, he drilled about 2" into the GPU (I think it was a 2gb nvidia 630) and there were metal shavings all over the motherboard. He fried the motherboard/CPU, the PSU had burn marks on it, and the GPU was destroyed. Only the fans, hdd, and case survived. He expected me to fix it and replace the parts for free because "you did not tell me I could not drill holes into the side of the desktop". I ended up sending him somewhere else, I could not deal with his stupidity any longer.

This is the same guy who thought it was a good idea to use black drywall paint in "thin" layers to tint his car windows... When that failed, he tried to sand it off with sand paper and ruined his windshield.

:sacfp:

Cez★

01-10-2014, 05:47 PM

:roflmao:

Dat homemade tint

stonehenge

01-10-2014, 05:51 PM

fuckin idiot drills into a computer :fp:

all he had to do was take the sides of the case off...

Cez★

01-10-2014, 06:03 PM

:rofl: srs pinched derp

TATERNATER

01-10-2014, 07:20 PM

We have people that intelligent working on aircraft here, guess why I dont fly...

stonehenge

01-10-2014, 07:36 PM

Rofl

stonehenge

01-31-2014, 11:51 PM

I suppose this fits here, it made me lol.

If you don't use reddit then you may not know what karma is. Karma is basically rep. You can upvote or downvote anyone's posts or comments. These up/down votes lead to karma points. I just found /r/KarmaCourt where redditors sue or charge other redditors with crimes. :roflmao: they are fairly well organized, have a judge, jury, prosecutor, defense attorney, (and bartender lol), etc.

Here's an example: http://www.reddit.com/r/KarmaCourt/comments/1wmoqx/the_people_of_reddit_vs_udeathfortress_for/

Read the main post and then browse through the comments. It's fairly jesty.

theholycow

03-08-2014, 04:09 PM

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

theholycow

05-17-2014, 03:35 PM

A woman and her 7 year old son were inside a taxi. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked “Mummy, what are all those women doing?.”

His Mother replied “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”

The Taxi driver turned around and said “Why don’t you tell him the truth? Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money.”

The Boy’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mummy is that true?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied “Yes!!”

After a few minutes, the boy asked; “Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?”

She replied “Most of them become Taxi drivers."

BillyJeanKing

05-17-2014, 03:55 PM

:stimpy: pffftchchtch

theholycow

05-23-2014, 04:09 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1619190174.html

best of craigslist > seattle > Dear University Alumni Office
Originally Posted: 2010-02-26 11:35am
Dear University Alumni Office
Dear University Alumni Office,

I'm sorry to hear that the university's $750 million endowment has fallen in value to $500 million because of the recession and because your bank died. I'm also sorry to hear that you're dealing with declining enrollment due to the fact that middle-class families are no longer willing or able to bet their homes on a $45,000-a-year higher education for their children. I really am.

So, what I want to know is, why are you wasting money on glossy fundraising brochures full of meaningless synonyms for the word "Excellence"? And, why are you sending them to ME? Yes, I know that I got a master's degree at your fine institution, but that master's degree hasn't done jack shit for me since I got it! I have been unemployed for the past TWO YEARS and I am now a professional resume-submitter, sending out dozens of resumes a month to employers, and the degree I received in your hallowed halls is at the TOP OF IT and it doesn't do a fucking thing.

You know, maybe if you wanted a little bit of money from me (and these days you'd get about $3) maybe you should send me a fancy color brochure admitting your role in the bubble economics that got us all in to this mess.

For example, since 1987, higher education expenses have gone up 450 percent, while personal income in this country has gone up 87 percent, making tuition IMPOSSIBLE to afford without special financing. But, during this time, you were thriving because people could come up with the cash in two ways:

1. Get a home equity loan and use the inflated value of their house to pay for their kid to get drunk and/or raped at your school and then lose the house when the market crashed.
2. Get a federal loan.

HAD IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT NEITHER OF THESE SOURCES OF MONEY ACTUALLY EXIST? THAT IT WAS BEING MANUFACTURED BECAUSE YOU MADE PEOPLE THINK THAT ONE OF YOUR DEGREES WAS NECESSARY TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE BUBBLE?

Oh yes, federal loans. I've got $40,000 of those, which are in "forebearance" right now because I'm unemployed, meaning that the feds are paying the interest for a while, which is convenient for me, but not for our government which is now owned by China. You know, the idea behind federal loans was that it would allow more students to attend your university, not let you INFLATE your tuition to obscene levels! I mean, what the fuck were you spending the $16,000 per semester on, anyway? I was in a public policy program, so that meant we got to sit in classrooms and listen to Professor God up at the front of the lecture hall glorify Himself and Creation as He saw it and talk about how much smarter he was than anyone else and how much he'd learned at MIT and the RAND Corporation.

Really, that's about all you did for us -- gave us a lecture hall, gave us an arrogant bastard to listen to, and gave us a room full of computers we could use sometimes, and you gave us a degree that employers look at and say "This guy knows how to write reports. Amusing." And I will be paying for this privilege until I am 51 years old.

So I'm sorry that the economy's been rough on you. Maybe, if you wanted to save a little money, you could stop printing and sending brochures to my parents' house (oh yeah, that's where I live because I can't afford rent on ANYTHING). And, maybe I'll donate a little bit of money to you in 2030, when I get the loans for your imaginary education PAID OFF!

Sincerely yours,
Alumnus

Location: Seattle, WA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
post id: 1619190174
email to friend
© 2014 craigslist help safety privacy feedback cl jobs terms about mobile

stonehenge

05-23-2014, 04:15 PM

:hemad:

Sent from my Note 3 using Tapatalk

TATERNATER

05-24-2014, 02:00 PM

lil bit...

Cez★

05-24-2014, 05:45 PM

id be mad too

theholycow

08-05-2014, 02:18 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oma/581897835.html
best of craigslist > omaha > to the guy doing my wife
Originally Posted: 2008-02-21 1:43pm

to the guy doing my wife
To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.

Location: omaha
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
post id: 581897835
email to friend
© 2014 craigslist help safety privacy feedback cl jobs terms about mobile

shootermcgavin003

08-05-2014, 02:43 PM

Ewok lives in Indiana not Omaha

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

Ewok

08-05-2014, 03:51 PM

Lol if it were my ad it would be addressed to multiple men not just one ....shes not stingy with her toddler tunnel

pwtr02ss

08-05-2014, 04:16 PM

Toddler tunnel..

:lol:

Cez★

08-06-2014, 05:00 AM

Lol if it were my ad it would be addressed to multiple men not just one ....shes not stingy with her toddler tunnel

:blackkidooo:

theholycow

08-21-2014, 01:56 PM

http://detroit.craigslist.org/mcb/cas/4622488573.html

[ account ]
CL >detroit metro >macomb co >all personals >casual encounters
reply
x prohibited[?]
Posted: 5 days ago
paraplegic cuckold - mw4m - 37

age : 37
Hi my name is jack and I'm in a wheelchair and my poor wife hasn't had a good fuck in awhile. I need a hung fit guy to fuck her brains out as I sit there helpless. I wanna be told how inadequate I am. Put stats and what you would say to me and we can go from there. Wife is submissive BBW that likes to rim and snowball.
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
post id: 4622488573
posted: 5 days ago
email to friend
♥ best of [?]
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Dubyagee

08-21-2014, 02:30 PM

Snowball. Eeeww

theholycow

08-21-2014, 04:36 PM

Dubyagee was fine with it until "snowball". :jester:

Dubyagee

08-21-2014, 05:46 PM

Lock his brakes so he doesn't sneak up behind you. No cold noses.

shootermcgavin003

08-24-2014, 12:28 PM

so a guy in a wheelchair, his rim job loving wife and some fucker that surfs craigslist walk into a bar..............

theholycow

09-16-2014, 05:21 PM

http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/2gjjlq/men_of_rsex_what_do_you_guys_think_of_public_sex/ckjs3qa

I have a funny story about this. Ever since my early teens I have been a voyeur and exhibitionist and during my awkward teen phases it usually culminated in masturbating in the bushes during PE class listening to the girls' soccer team or sneaking into the girl's bathroom to listen to them and touch myself but graduated into a love of outdoor public fornication. I'm sure you guys know the feeling. Once I found a girl who was infatuated with the same things I was, there was no going back.

However, there is not much in life that is worth become a sex offender for and I figured I had made it that far so keep up the streak: how could my girlfriend and I fuck publicly without being seen by unwilling people and children? The answer came to me in the form of a facebook post. My unit was posting photos to our page from our time in the sandbox so I was scrolling through when I came across a picture of a high-speed guy in a Ghillie suit. Immediately the seed was planted in my mind and I began constructing two suits with the local foliage, with adequate coverage but also holes for genitalia.

After hours of toil, my work was done, and we set a nice mid-fall date to go to do the deed. Tumescent with anticipation, my Aphrodite and I arrived at a site of very public hiking trails and found a nice spot along the trail, a site that aroused the senses and prepared one for beautiful fornication. Stripping down, I took a moment to admire her body before slipping on our ghillie suits. The suits were impeccable, a testament to my skill if I do say so myself. hiding our gear, we shacked up under a bush and viola, immediately began fucking stealthily. My friends in the ranger regiment would have been duly impressed (and they were when I told them afterwards) with our ability to copulate while impersonating foliage. and by god it was fantastic. There's something special about fucking a girl on a bed of fresh crunchy fall leaves with the smell of organic decay permeating your nostrils.

Now, we had chosen the middle of a school day to do this so to avoid children, so imagine our surprise when we heard a cherubic voice from down the trail: "Mommy, why is that bush moving funny?" we froze, not even moving to observe our threat. pure discipline. Anyway, there was an awkward pause where I could tell the lady must have been able to determine two human shaped lumps in a compromising position, and the seconds dragged on as I wondered what it would feel like to be butt-fingered by a forest ranger doing a cavity search. I heard her murmur something to the child, and I figured that would be the end of it... and that's when my girlfriend queefed with the force of a Titan missile.

FLLLLLLATATATLALTLATLATLALTAT

Now, one thing you should know about me is I act on instinct in these compromising situations as I have been trained to do so I did the only thing I could do: save face.

slowly turning to reveal my face, I locked eyes with the child and let out a wild gorilla call. I grabbed my girlfriend, also screaming, and I'll be damned if we didn't hightail it deeper into the woods like a couple of horny hermits to fuck some more.

Cez★

09-16-2014, 05:27 PM

:rofltank:

Lucky dude to has win gf

stonehenge

09-16-2014, 06:12 PM

[emoji23]

Sent from my LG-D801

shootermcgavin003

09-16-2014, 09:56 PM

:lol: alot of work to bust a nut if u ask me but is worth a laugh

stonehenge

09-16-2014, 10:29 PM

[emoji23]

wtf is this shit?

I entered : roflmao : and it posted [ emoji23 ] :wtf:

tapatalk y u do dis

shootermcgavin003

09-16-2014, 10:36 PM

autocorrect? mine fucks my post up like crazy.

stonehenge

09-17-2014, 12:46 AM

It made it a completely different word with different symbols. I think tapatalk did it.

Sent from my LG-D801

shootermcgavin003

09-17-2014, 12:58 AM

ive had net freezes do that on my pc

stonehenge

09-17-2014, 01:48 AM

Wot

Sent from my LG-D801

shootermcgavin003

09-17-2014, 01:55 AM

pc when there internet freezes up all kinds of fucked up shit types out. my pc at work is bad for it doesnt happen so much at home.

theholycow

09-22-2014, 09:15 PM

Have I posted this one before?

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq

What is the worst thing someone has said to you during sex?

Not me, but an old friend of mine.

Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.

He's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time.

Anyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.

He comes up with: "Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?"

He's never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.

shootermcgavin003

09-22-2014, 09:23 PM

:lol:

stonehenge

09-22-2014, 10:19 PM

I've read that before and jested

Sent from my LG-D801

theholycow

04-27-2015, 05:57 PM

(Found on facebook.)

So I had a feeling she was cheating, as she set off a lot of red flags. Constantly laughing and smiling when texting, saying it was just her mother when I asked. Needing to stay late every night after work. When I’d call in her co-workers said she left hours ago. When I asked her what was going on she’d laugh it off and say it was just something they did to each other at the office all the time.

The last straw when I knew something was definitely up was when she went out “to get milk” at 11:30 at night and didn’t come back until 2 in the morning. Now if there are any words of wisdom I can pass on to others in all my years of experience, it’s if you think your significant other is cheating, hire a private investigator. They’re good at what they do and they will get some evidence that really helps in the later divorce.

Fast-track to her birthday, several months down the road. Now I know what you’re thinking, why the hell did I wait months before I confronted her and did it really need to be on her birthday? The answer to the first question is I wanted as much evidence as possible to hand off to my lawyer, as well as time to make arrangements to find a new place to live, etc. The answer to your second question is – of course it had to be on her birthday. You see, after asking her what she wanted to do on her birthday this year she was rather insistant on me going out of town with my friends as she just had to work anyways and didn’t want to be reminded she was aging.

So I know something is up and after finding a bottle of champagne and two glasses hidden in my closet something in me snaps. So I do what any sensible man would have done. I leave and go to my friends house pretending like I am going out of town. While there I call up her mother, father, sister and several of her friends. I tell them how I want to give her a big surprise by sneaking into our room with party streamers, kazoos and a big cake with candles. Sounds fun, right?! Well, boy was it.

I had everyone meet me outside our apartment at 8:30 in the morning. We all pile in the elevator (about 8 of us in total); her mother is holding the cake and I’m reminding everyone to be as quiet as they can be. I put my key in and unlock the door; we all sneak in and make our way down the hall towards the bedroom. Each holding a kazoo and her mom holding the cake grinning from ear to ear.

Well as I throw open the door, we all yell surprise!

But the surprise was on us and there was my wife, butt naked with her lover staring at us wide eyed. Mom drops the cake, sister screams, father begins to shout. I pretend like I’m horrified to which her friends try to push everyone out while yelling at her. My wife, excuse me, ex-wife is sobbing and screaming how could I while the lover is desperately trying to put his pants on while running out of the place. Needless to say, it was one of the best birthday presents I have ever given.

Cez★

04-27-2015, 06:03 PM

:notbad:

shootermcgavin003

04-27-2015, 06:49 PM

gotcha bitch

Dubyagee

04-27-2015, 08:11 PM

Damn.

pwtr02ss

04-27-2015, 08:30 PM

:lol:

BillyJeanKing

04-27-2015, 09:34 PM

shootermcgavin003

04-28-2015, 09:34 PM

its not 50 shades of grey idk what the fapping is about

theholycow

06-15-2015, 08:05 PM

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’

The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’

The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied at the best university and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’ One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?’ The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.’

The three friends said: ‘What a shame… What a disappointment.’

The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

Cez★

06-15-2015, 08:42 PM

:snap:

stonehenge

06-15-2015, 10:45 PM

http://38.media.tumblr.com/409a839ece0f3807d23861fc6e744568/tumblr_n6zdmspPiE1skh0gdo1_400.gif

Cez★

06-15-2015, 11:06 PM

dat be from the wire :cheeky:

stonehenge

06-15-2015, 11:22 PM

:whoa: cez has such extensive knowledge

Cez★

06-15-2015, 11:49 PM

:security:

theholycow

06-18-2015, 03:55 PM

http://thoughtcatalog.com/maya-kachroo-levine/2015/04/19-signs-youre-a-superior-asshole-from-the-northeast/

19 Signs You’re A Superior Asshole From The Northeast
Maya Kachroo-Levine 248 Comments
873.8k

1. You’ve never lived south of the Mason-Dixon line and you probably never will.

2. When people call you a sarcastic bitch, you don’t take it as an insult. You appreciate that they acknowledge that trait and love you for it.

3. When you give someone a compliment, it means a lot to them because you compliment sparingly. Your compliments have a lot of clout because you wouldn’t say something that kind unless you genuinely meant it.

4. You love fall foliage, but wish tourists would just shut up about it. The last thing you need is to run into another BnB-er yapping about how they just love your state this time of year.

5. You own at least one slightly preppy or conservative outfit because you understand how to dress in civilized society and that it’s not always appropriate for people to have rips all over their clothing.

6. People always tell you to drink herbal tea and they need to stop. Unless they’re offering you a cup of black coffee, you’d really like for them to stop talking because it’s too early in the morning to hear someone yammering endlessly about lavender chamomile tea.

7. You prefer not to acknowledge the fact that you have emotions and do, on occasion, feel feelings.

8. Watching shows about a New England town supposedly like yours (Gilmore Girls) or about New York City (Friends, HIMYM, Seinfeld, every other show ever) will always be annoying. Adorable Connecticut towns exist, but not ones that host pie-eating contests and knitting competitions every other day.

9. Speaking of CT, you always shit on Connecticut but honestly aren’t sure why. It’s just something you learned from sarcastic Northerners that came before you. It’s a perfectly nice place, but you’ll probably continue to scoff at it.

10. You have very rigid opinions about New York City, even if you grew up right across the river.

11. If you’re from New Jersey, you will defend it to the death, while talking people’s ear off about Pork Roll, Wawa, diners and so on.

12. If you’re from outside New Jersey, the only parts of Jersey that exist in your mind are: the shore, AC and Trenton, which sends shivers down your spine. Other than that, it’s just the state with jug handles you’d rather not deal with.

13. You think every city outside the Northeast (and especially not on the east coast) is too young. They have no history, no cobblestones and no stories about Paul Revere.

14. If you relocated to the Northeast, you love not having to be nice or talk to people unnecessarily. Don’t lie. It’s pretty blissful to not have to make conversation in line at the grocery store.

15. If you relocated away from the Northeast, you are constantly confused as to why people think you’re mean. People don’t think your sarcasm is hilarious and endearing. They think it’s rude and will sit you down to talk about your attitude during your first week of work.

16. You believe that participating in a sporting event means yelling. Yelling at the television, the fans, the players or the heavens. You can be yelling support, but the volume needs to be a few decibels above your average tone of voice.

17. You’re not turned off by the title of this article.

18. You think there’s nothing more terrifying than driving down to Florida and driving past all the big crosses on the side of the road when you cross into Georgia. You like Georgia. You respect Georgia. But like, the crosses are a lot to handle.

19. It’s not road rage if you know you’re right and the other driver’s clearly wrong. TC mark

BillyJeanKing

06-19-2015, 09:32 PM

dat be from the wire :cheeky:

i remember when i first watched it

i always saw the gif then was liek :cheeky: when I first saw him do that dumb nga face

you could actually tell from the beginning of the scene that he was about to do it

Cez★

06-19-2015, 11:38 PM

:rofl: word. saw him and was like :suspicious:

"is this, could this be THE gif i always see on the internets?"

then he did it and i was like :omg:

BillyJeanKing

06-19-2015, 11:57 PM

cez dumn

:lol:

theholycow

07-02-2015, 04:47 PM

http://hamhijinks.com/fcc-approves-same-sex-cable-connections/

FCC Approves Same Sex Cable Connections

8 Comments A+ / A-
By WBØRUR, on the scene

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move being touted by proponents as “ground breaking” and by critics as “the end of the world,” the Federal Communications Commission has announced approval of same sex cable connections.

jacksCable rights activists vowed to get the measure approved through congressional legislative channels should the FCC not take prompt action.

FCC Commisioner Roberto De Stankhousen announced today’s decision as members of the press and the cable connection rights group “Friends and Users of Cable Compatibility” gathered in the Rayburn Office building lobby.

“No longer will it be necessary to connect a PL-259 with an SO-239. An RCA male no longer need feel incompatible when partnered with another RCA male. A quarter inch phono plug may now be used for a direct connection to another quarter inch phono plug. This is truly a landmark day!”

Today’s announcement has left technical specialists scratching their collective heads over the decision.

“I’m all for parity among cables and connections,” says Dr. Phillip Von Beckentoffer, the creator of the small NGF style connector which no one uses and doesn’t even know exists.

“But this creates more issues than answers. Exactly HOW do I get the two male connectors to stay together? I can’t get it to work. I experimented with this type of thing in college.”

Outraged cabling technicians are vowing to appeal the FCC decision. Thomas “Red” Scrollinger – an experienced cable tech – questions the decision from his office in downtown Petaluma, California.

“There’s no way to mate them together. Further, how robust is the FCC’s decision? How encompassing is this decision? Can I use an RCA male with a BNC male? How about a PL-259? It’s wide open for interpretation. Frankly, I don’t like all the gray area.”

A public hearing is scheduled for Thursday at 4:00 p.m. The FCC ruling goes into effect 90 days afterwards.

theholycow

08-09-2015, 03:04 PM

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.