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theholycow
07-26-2011, 06:13 PM
http://notalwaysright.com/this-vegetarian-is-a-red-herring/11407

Customer: “I’d like your chicken caesar wrap, please. With no chicken or bacon bits.”

Me: “Are you a vegetarian?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, I just wanted you to know that the caesar salad dressing has anchovy paste in it.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Anchovy is a kind of fish.”

Customer: “I said I was vegetarian, not vegan.”

Actually I think some "vegetarians" eat fish...something about their qualities as a food and/or whether fish feel pain.

http://notalwaysright.com/brokers-with-chokers/11094
(We sell all types of insurance, including bonds. I am on the phone to a customer.)

Caller: “Do you guys do bondage there?”

Me: “Yes, sir. However, the gentleman that handles that is all tied up at the moment.”

Customer: “Oh. Haha. Um…yeah.”

http://notalwaysright.com/his-movie-choice-is-rock-solid/10984
(I’m selling tickets. An elderly man walks up with his two granddaughters.)

Customer: “What movies do you have for kids?”

Me: “Well, we have Gnomeo and Juliet in regular or 3D or Tangled.”

Customer: “Ga-nomeo and Juliet. We’ve already seen Tangled.”

Me: “Yes. Gnomeo and Juliet is really the only other movie we have for kids.”

Customer: “Okay. Two little ladies and one really old guy for Ga-nomeo and Juliet.” *pauses* “I’m so old, I invented rocks.”

Coolest old guy ever. :imo

http://notalwaysright.com/losing-cruise-control/10158
(I am working in the fitting room when a woman walks up to my counter.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How many items?”

Customer: “You don’t sell winter jackets, do you? I didn’t see any. Nothing like this that I bought at [other store]. This cost me only eighty-nine dollars!”

Me: “That’s very nice, ma’am.”

(I try to remain friendly as the woman shows me her jacket, her purse, and the shoes she is currently wearing. This goes on for about ten minutes.)

Customer: “You know, I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. Now I need to buy a swim suit, but I don’t suppose you have any, do you?”

Me: “Actually, we just got a bunch of bathing suits in a few weeks ago. They’re over in the corner of the women’s department.”

(The customer spends about ten more minutes telling me about all of the different cruises she had been on. I’m trying not to be rude, but I have other customers who are trying to get into the fitting room. One by one they go in, and one by one this customer stops them to tell them about all of her cruises. All in all, this lasts for about fifteen more minutes.)

Customer: “And would you believe that I’m fifty eight years old! I look great for my age, don’t you think? It’s because of all of the cruises I’ve been on! At least two a year. I’m very rich.”

Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”

(Eventually, the customer’s husband comes over and grabs her by the arm.)

Customer’s husband: “Why are you still over here?! You’ve been here for nearly half an hour.”

Customer: “Oh, I was just telling this nice young lady about all of the cruises you’ve taken me on!”

Customer’s husband: “You’ve never been on a god d*** cruise in your entire life, you old bat!”

http://notalwaysright.com/the-lesser-of-teen-evils/9133
(A man and his two sons are checking out through my register. The younger of the two sons grabs a bag of Skittles from the candy selection.)

Son: “Dad, can I have some Skittles?”

Dad: “No. Teenage girls eat Skittles. And what are teenage girls?”

Both sons: *raising their little fists in the air* “EVIL!”

:clap:

http://notalwaysright.com/one-sells-cats-the-other-sells-cat-suits/9137
(I am the assistant manager at a store that specializes in adult videos and toys.)

Customer: “How did you end up here anyway?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “How did you end up working here?”

Me: “I applied?”

Customer: “No, I mean, what’s an innocent little girl like you doing working at a place like this?”

Me: “Well, you know how people who love animals work at pet stores?”

(The customer has a moment of realization and becomes clearly flustered.)

Customer: “Oh…well, excuse me.” *leaves hurriedly*

:leghump:

http://notalwaysright.com/phoney-request/9129
(Our store phone rings. A customer answers it before I can get to it.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that is the store phone. Please hand it over to me.”

Customer: “Go away! I’m trying to have a conversation here!”

(I step forward to take the phone away. I hear talking from the other end of the phone.)

Caller: “Why, hello there! Can I order some tampons, some birth control pills, and a thong?”

(Both the customer and caller are male. The customer gets embarrassed and thrusts the phone into my hands.)

Me: “Sorry about that, sir. What would you like?”

Caller: “Oh good, that idiot’s gone. Do you have any Metallica CDs in stock?”

http://notalwaysright.com/constant-new-viruses-are-such-a-strain/7289
Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

Customer: “So they don’t really work?”

Me: “No, not really sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

(That's really quite astute...that's exactly how it is.)

http://notalwaysright.com/aint-no-mountain-wry-enough/6488
Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

That guy is made of win and I shall aspire to be that cool.

http://notalwaysright.com/a-timeless-request/11323
(The art director of a local mid-sized advertising agency always wants everything right away. In fact, all his job orders are coded
‘HSR’ – Hot Screaming Rush.)
Me: “You want this today?”

Customer: *blank look* “Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow, I’d have brought it in tomorrow!”

BillyJeanKing
07-26-2011, 06:14 PM
your thread will fail because of the unwillingness of AOT'ers to read long ass text posts
























TL;DR

theholycow
07-26-2011, 06:19 PM
At least read this one...this guy is my hero.

Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

BillyJeanKing
07-26-2011, 06:22 PM
i jested :sneaky:

mabeh can haz success thread

Cez★
07-26-2011, 06:26 PM
Read and chuckled

VmaxEngage
07-26-2011, 08:13 PM
thought about laughing. but then i had to read

shootermcgavin003
07-27-2011, 12:30 AM
reading :bishplz:

Cez★
07-27-2011, 12:32 AM
reading :bishplz:

i think this can apply here
http://i.qkme.me/2ltr.jpg

stonehenge
07-27-2011, 05:26 AM
All are win, especially Large Mountain Jew.

LMJ ftw

shootermcgavin003
07-27-2011, 05:42 AM
ok i sit down and read this and teenage girls are evil

stonehenge
07-27-2011, 05:46 AM
nhb is not amused

shootermcgavin003
07-27-2011, 05:50 AM
actually that one made me :lol:

stonehenge
07-27-2011, 05:52 AM
:jester:

theholycow
07-27-2011, 11:32 AM
http://notalwaysright.com/attack-of-the-cownivores/3084
(Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

http://notalwaysright.com/beware-the-jabberwacky/3321
Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

Caller: “You speak Englits?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

http://notalwaysright.com/magic-plows-snow-problem/4584
We had just received well over 15 inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses were late and our subway system crowded.)

Customer: “My bus was 25 minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”

Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”

Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”

http://notalwaysright.com/underdeveloped-web-developers/4802
Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m the number one web developer in Atlanta. I have a client base and I wanted to peruse your products. How do I get to your website?”

Me: “Our website is [site name] dot com.”

Caller: “Where do I type that?”

Me: “In your web browser, sir.”

Caller: “Found it! Is the ‘dot’ in ‘dot com’ a period?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “I typed it, now what do I do?”

Me: “Hit ‘Enter’, sir.”

Caller: “I don’t see that on my screen.”

Me: “It’s on your keyboard, sir.”

stonehenge
07-27-2011, 01:36 PM
:jester:

theholycow
07-30-2011, 12:39 PM
Someone find this picture.
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/17267205?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+fmylife+%28FMyLife%29
Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

Cez's mom?
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/17266001?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+fmylife+%28FMyLife%29
Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

http://notalwaysright.com/ill-take-a-double-entendre-with-a-side-of-innuendo/443
(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90′s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”

Me: “Okay, which tank?”

Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”

(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)

http://notalwaysright.com/fully-armed-and-operational-feminine-wiles/660
(A very attractive woman gets out of a Mercedes. She is wearing a mini skirt and halter top. Her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.)

Attractive Customer: “I need 20 on 3.”

Me: “Okay.” *I ring her up and she pays*

Attractive Customer: “So is someone else working or do you pump the gas?”

Me: “This is a self-service station; we don’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “Well, there is no way I am pumping the gas myself.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “This is no way to get a tip! I am the customer and I want you to pump the gas for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if I leave the counter I could be fired. As I said this is a self service station; it means you have to do it yourself.”

Attractive Customer: “FINE!”

(She then walks out to her car and yells…)

Attractive Customer: “Is someone going to pump me or do I have to do it myself?!”

*every guy at the station goes running over to help her*

http://notalwaysright.com/ah-mothers/1234
(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

http://notalwaysright.com/welcome-to-retail-part-3-2/1259
(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

Me: “What–”

Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” ¬†*zips up and runs out*

Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”
Win.

http://notalwaysright.com/thisisspyware/1371
Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

stonehenge
07-30-2011, 02:26 PM
fuckin dark wing duck :lol:

shootermcgavin003
07-31-2011, 07:39 PM
the gas pump happened here once sept bitch thought she was prettier than she was. she asked cashier to pump her gas he said pump my dick and i might.

stonehenge
07-31-2011, 08:35 PM
:lol:

Sent from my Droid X using Tapatalk

theholycow
07-31-2011, 10:58 PM
http://notalwaysright.com/man-cannot-live-by-water-alone/1401

Me: “Hello, ma’am. ¬†Can I get you anything to drink?”

Customer: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

Me: delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

Customer: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

Me: “Er…yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

Customer: “I would appreciate it.”

(I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

Customer: “Oh Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

Customer: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

Customer: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

Me: “Well..we have grilled cheese, and–”

Customer: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

Customer: “Goodness! You god**** animal murderers deserve to go to hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

Me: “OUT!”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

http://notalwaysright.com/behind-every-man-is-an-embarassed-wife/448
(The place I work at, our dining room closes at 10pm but the drive-through stays open all night. I had just locked both the dining room doors when a man comes up and starts banging on the 1st door. We start talking through the door.)

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “You screwed up my order!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You could go through our drive-through and they’d be happy to help you.”

Customer: “I just came through! They’re the ones that messed it up.”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, if you go through again they’ll fix it for you.”

Customer: “I don’t have my car!”

Me: “But you said you just went through?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have my car anymore.”

Me: “I can give you our store number. If you call, we’ll replace your order tomorrow.”

Customer: “Just open the door!”

Me: “I can’t sir, we’re closed.”

(The man then walks around the store to the 2nd door and starts banging there.)

Me: “Sir, the only way we can fix this is if you go through the drive-through or give us a call.”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone!”

Me: “You can save your receipt and show it to us tomorrow. We’ll replace the whole order.”

Customer: “This is bullshit!”

(He then enters the drive-through on foot, weaving through cars in line, gets between the drive-through window and a car waiting to order and starts banging on the glass.)

Manager: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t open the window unless you’re in a car.”

Customer: “I don’t have my car anymore and you messed up my order. Tell your employees to open the door.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, we can’t unlock the doors once we’re closed. That’s our policy. If you return in the morning, we’ll be glad to help.”

Customer: “Don’t f*ck with me. I’ll call the cops on you! You can’t refuse service to me!”

(Just then, a car pulls up behind him. The woman driving rolls down her window.)

Woman: “Get in the f*cking car! Its not that big a deal.”

Customer: “They won’t fix our order!”

Woman: “Get in the f*cking car! This is f*cking embarrassing!”

(The man gets in and the car pulls up to the window.)

Woman: “I’m sorry. All that happened was you forgot to give us a burrito.”

Manager: “We’ll get that for you right away.”

(As soon as window is closed, the woman starts yelling at the man again.)


http://notalwaysright.com/the-lion-the-witch-and-the-supply-cabinet/1004
(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

(I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

(I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

(Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”


http://notalwaysright.com/its-best-to-not-get-involved/1374
(I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

(She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*


http://notalwaysright.com/marriage-the-ultimate-slippery-slope/2320
(I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

(Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

(After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

Cez★
07-31-2011, 11:30 PM
:lol2: pinche mercedes gai

theholycow
08-05-2011, 09:08 PM
(Tech Support | Nova Scotia, Canada)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet’s not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can help–”

Customer: “It’s your f***ing network!”

Me: “Okay, I can see your frustra–”

Customer: “[Company] is a piece of s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re both people and I’d respect it if you treat me like one.”

Customer: *sigh* “Fix it.”

Me: “Your ethernet cords unplugged.”

(The customer notices this and plugs in ethernet cord.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

:picardpalm:

stonehenge
08-05-2011, 09:10 PM
tard

Cez★
08-05-2011, 11:28 PM
would told bish to hang self from unplugged ethernet cable

linden
08-12-2011, 08:38 PM
i was at a wendys on way to tallahasee i already ordered my food and my aunt was ordering.

aunt: Can i get X salad.

wendys employee: would you like a large or small salad?

aunt: how big is the small?

wendys employee: half the size of the large..........(and stared at my aunt)

aunt::what?: (female version)

Me::lol: then i realized she wasnt trying to be funny :ayfkm:

after an akward silence

Aunt well i guess i get the small

Andrew
08-13-2011, 12:50 AM
*at local bar with friend*

*waitress walks up*

She gives me a highfive as we've known eachother for awhile. Friends first time meeting her.

Waitress: Your here again?! Must like me an awful lot.

Me: Who you kidding....I just made your day by showing up.

Friend: Can I get a highfive too?

Waitress: SURE! *raises her hand*

Friend: Funny thing about my hand...

I knew where he was going, and did the biggest simultaneous :lol::ayfkm:

Friend: ....is its located on my penis.

Waitress: *small laugh/WTF?!* ..looks at me

Me: You dont happen to give discounts to special needs helpers do you?


My friend is going to be foreveralone for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

Cez★
08-13-2011, 12:54 AM
:roflmao:

theholycow
08-13-2011, 02:21 AM
(Movie Theater | Cincinnati, OH, USA)

(I am the assistant manager at a movie theater. There is a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie that is completely sold out. A pair of teenage girls approaches me to ask for some help. A woman is refusing to let them sit down in the theater, and the movie is starting in about 5 minutes. I go with them and find that their seats are the last two in the theater. The woman in question has three kids, all who look to be younger than 12.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, but could you let these two girls sit down? The movie will be starting soon and–”

Woman: “No. My kids can’t sit by strangers. They might get kidnapped or raped.”

Me: “I understand that you care about your children very much, but these two girls need to sit here.”

Woman: *raising voice* “I just told you, my kids can’t sit by strangers! What don’t you get about that?”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Woman: “I mean, look at them! That one’s wearing a rapist symbol on her shirt!”

(She points to one of the girls, who is wearing a shirt with her astrological sign on it.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you’re going to make a scene, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

(The woman continues to raise her voice at me and insist that these girls cannot sit down here. The movie is already going to be delayed at this point, and the two girls are looking visibly upset. I go ahead and call for security. At this point, the woman realizes that she’s been beaten, so she makes one last stand.)

Woman: *standing up, at the top of her lungs* “Help! These girls are touching my kids!”

(Security comes and holds her in their office for the rest of the movie. Her kids got to stay for the movie. Afterwards, I run into her again.)

Woman: “I’m going to call the police on you! You let those girls touch my kids!”

Child: *in tears* “Mom, you’re so embarrassing!”
...

apedestrian
08-13-2011, 02:57 AM
:what?::wtf:









dem rapists are everywhere :uhohdoor:

stonehenge
08-13-2011, 09:17 AM
damn teenage girls goin around raepin on kidz :nono:

theholycow
08-13-2011, 11:18 AM
Dey rapin errbody!

swab
08-13-2011, 05:32 PM
I wish i got raped by teenage girls when i was a children. Would be nomz

stonehenge
08-13-2011, 05:44 PM
:lol:

BillyJeanKing
08-13-2011, 06:33 PM
hide ya kids, hide ya wife cuz dey raepin errbody out here at regal cinemas

:sneaky:

OKLAGMCRUISER
08-15-2011, 06:25 PM
tfl dnr

theholycow
08-15-2011, 09:19 PM
(Gas Station | Nova Scotia, Canada)

(I work at a gas station with a carwash. A customer comes in and pushes his way to the front of the line. He is holding a shirt that is dripping wet.)

Customer: “Your car wash sucks!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I just bought a car wash and it didn’t clean anything! There is still a giant stain on it.”

Me: “There is a giant stain on your car, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t drive a car! I drive a truck, and the stain is on my shirt, you idiot!”

(He holds up his shirt to show me a nice brown stain in the middle of his white shirt. I look at him confused for a few seconds until I look outside and see two men pulling clothes out from the back of a bright blue truck.)

Me: “Sir, did you try and wash your clothes in our car wash?”

Customer: “No, I am just standing here with a wet shirt for fun. I want a refund. It didn’t clean my shirt!”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t a laundromat, sir. I’m sorry. There is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “I bought a luxury car wash and it didn’t clean s***! I want my f***ing money back!”

Me: “We only give refunds on vehicles that haven’t been cleaned, sir.”

(The customer yells a few choice words, threatens to call the head office, and leaves. To date, I have not heard from the head office.)
...

stonehenge
08-15-2011, 09:49 PM
if that is for srs then W T F

linden
08-16-2011, 07:11 PM
smh fucking canada

theholycow
08-16-2011, 07:48 PM
(Call Center | Vancouver, BC, Canada)

Me: “Hello, this is ***** Healthcare line. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling because my son just ate a bunch of ants.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Your son ate ants?”

Caller: “Yes! I was wondering if I need to take him to the hospital and see a doctor.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think you need to worry. I don’t think the ants will make him sick, but I advise that he doesn’t eat any more of
them.”

Caller: “Well, I gave him some ant killer to get rid of them.”

Caller’s friend: “Get him to the emergency room, now!”

...nobody can be THAT stupid, that's gotta be fake. Right?

linden
08-16-2011, 08:06 PM
::llamastare:

stonehenge
08-16-2011, 08:16 PM
...nobody can be THAT stupid, that's gotta be fake. Right?
Please allow me to repeat myself:
if that is for srs then W T F

Cez★
08-16-2011, 08:33 PM
:what?:

linden
08-16-2011, 08:37 PM
I allow canada to redeem them self i just got this email

DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

stonehenge
08-16-2011, 08:40 PM
:lol:

Cez★
08-16-2011, 08:42 PM
bamf :canuckpatriot:

theholycow
08-16-2011, 08:43 PM
:jester:

lowerc
08-16-2011, 08:46 PM
cut that out cao, you're making us look bad :crossarms: :canadian:

---------- Post added at 03:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:44 PM ----------

:repz: to Cherry

Andrew
08-16-2011, 08:50 PM
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/indepth/doncherry/gfx/doncherry_471.jpg

:canadasalute:

linden
08-16-2011, 08:52 PM
this is the pick that was attached
http://weownyou.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/don-cherry-loud-suit2.jpg

theholycow
08-16-2011, 09:16 PM
:jester: Sorry, I didn't notice until after I posted that it was another :canadian:

shootermcgavin003
08-16-2011, 11:11 PM
...nobody can be THAT stupid, that's gotta be fake. Right?

actually no people can be that fucking dumb

theholycow
08-18-2011, 05:47 PM
Ok, here's one not from Canadialand.
(Hardware Store | TN, USA)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *extremely inebriated* “I just noticed a bump on my privates.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “I need to come over and have you take a look at it.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want a doctor. This is a hardware store.”

Caller: *long pause* “You’re not my mom?”

theholycow
08-19-2011, 08:02 PM
...
(Bookstore | Vestavia, AL, USA)

(A customer approaches me with a box set of the Twilight novels.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my 13 year old granddaughter and I think she would like these. My wife said to look at them. Don’t they promote abstinence?”

Me: “Well, sort of. The two main characters do end up sleeping together in the final book, though they are married. There’s some uncomfortable gore, though. I wouldn’t recommend it for a 13 year old.”

Customer: *confused* “I was told these would be great for her. What kind of gore do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the girl ends up getting pregnant with a half-vampire baby and, er, the male main character sort of rips it out of her with his teeth.”

Customer: *drops books in horror* “That’s horrific! And these are for teenage girls? Why would people read that?”

Me: “I wonder the same thing myself, sir.”

stonehenge
08-19-2011, 08:33 PM
:jester:

Fgtlight :nono:

theholycow
08-26-2011, 01:38 AM
http://icanhasimage.com/images/w7ec9vz.png

(Pharmacy | Europe)

(I’m speaking with a three year old girl as I serve her mother.)

Me: “Do you like the pharmacy? Do you think you will be a pharmacist when you grow up?”

Girl: “No! I will be a dancer!”

Me: “Oh, a dancer! That’s nice! Like in a dance group?”

Girl: “No! On the pole!”

(Car Dealership | Detroit, MI, USA)

(An elderly woman walks onto the lot from and begins asking me about a car.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “What can you tell me about this red car?”

Me: “This is a 1999 Volvo V70.”

Customer: “A Vulva! My grand-daughter has a vulva! Her boyfriend said he absolutely loves it!”

(I unsuccessfully try to keep a straight face.)

Me: “I’m sure he does, ma’am.”

(School | Luton, UK)

(A 4-year-old child has trapped her finger in a door, so I’m going over the accident form with her mother when she comes to pick her up.)

Mother: “Index finger? What the h*** is that?”

Me: *showing her* “This one here.”

Mother: “What? That’s a pointer-finger.”

Me: “Well, yes, but in medicine it’s called the index finger.”

Mother: “That’s not true. I’ve never heard that. Is that supposed to be funny? Just because I’m a woman–”

Me: “Well, no–”

Mother: “Yes, it is! What kind of a man works at a nursery anyway?”

Child: “A man who knows about fingers!”

Cez★
08-26-2011, 01:39 AM
im not squinting to look at that shit

theholycow
08-26-2011, 01:53 AM
I zoomed to read it. Fuck small text.

stonehenge
08-26-2011, 02:49 AM
TS;DR

:imo

swab
08-26-2011, 03:29 PM
you guys must be blind, i read that perfect :shrug:

theholycow
08-26-2011, 03:46 PM
We're older and have smaller monitors.

stonehenge
08-26-2011, 05:05 PM
i didnt read it because i was on tapatalk at the time and it was blurry as shit

OKLAGMCRUISER
08-26-2011, 05:19 PM
iz can read wit my 32" monitor at work...lol

theholycow
08-26-2011, 06:13 PM
19" LCD at work is only like 18 inches from my face, no problem reading it there...at home I have a 17" CRT (so 15.4" viewable area) that's like 3+ feet from my face. I could still read it but I had to struggle. :blah:

Cez★
08-26-2011, 07:10 PM
Lol I forgot I haz aot on smaller font. Guess it shrank pic too

shootermcgavin003
08-31-2011, 04:15 AM
its worth the read actually

stonehenge
08-31-2011, 02:37 PM
finally read it

the dog was probably like

:awwyeah:

Cez★
08-31-2011, 06:21 PM
Read it while deucing. Dog prawlee sniffed it and :creepygusta:

shootermcgavin003
09-01-2011, 05:29 AM
dog could have been like mmm fish stick

theholycow
09-12-2011, 06:39 PM
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order a small pizza.”

Me: “Sure, anything else today?”

Customer: “My number?”

Me: “…anything else?”

Customer: “My number?” *smiles*

Me: “Your number…?”

Customer: “…sorry, I wanted to try that pick-up line out.”

Me: “Oh…well…it didn’t work. Have a nice day.”

Customer: *walks away with his head down*

Illustrated for AOT:

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order a small pizza.”
:homerdrool:

Me: “Sure, anything else today?” :mexiblah:

Customer: “My number?”
:cheeky:

Me: “…anything else?”
:bertstare:

Customer: “My number?” *smiles*
:stimpy:

Me: “Your number…?”
:lolwut:

Customer: “…sorry, I wanted to try that pick-up line out.”
:ddog:

Me: “Oh…well…it didn’t work. Have a nice day.”
:kittahstare:

Customer: *walks away with his head down*
:okay:
:emokfc:

theholycow
09-21-2011, 06:45 PM
(Restaurant | TVM, Kerala, India)

(Note: most of our customers on our home-delivery call number are tourists, foreigners, or upper-class residents who speak in English.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today? Would you like to hear about our specials?”

Customer: “Um, let me think. No?”

Me: “That’s quite fine. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “One stir-fried peas and three butter pattora please.”

Me: “Okay, one order of stir-fried peas and three butter parrota. Can I have–”

Customer: Not peas. It’s stir-fried peas.”

Me: “That is one stir-fried peas, right?”

Customer: “No! It’s PEAS! PEA-SEF!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m hearing stir-fried peas: P as in potato, E as in eclairs, A as in apple, and S as in suga–”

Customer: “No! No! Moooo!”

Me: “What’s that, ma’am? I didn’t hear you.”

Customer: “MOO! MOOOO!”

Me: “Oh! You mean beef. Sorry about that, ma’am. So, one order of stir-fried beef and three butter parrota. Are we good?”

Customer: “Ha! yes! Stir-fried pea-sef! *gives address*

Me: “Alrighty, we’ll have it delivered in 15-minutes. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “MOO! I will!” *click*

stonehenge
09-21-2011, 08:09 PM
pinche cao can't speek english

shootermcgavin003
09-22-2011, 01:45 AM
cao sacred in india

theholycow
09-26-2011, 05:42 PM
(Travel Agency, | Phoenix, AZ, USA)

Customer: “I would like to schedule a Grand Canyon white water rafting and whale watching trip, please.”

Me: “So you’d like a tour to go to the Grand Canyon and then a tour to the ocean for whale watching?”

Customer: “No, I want to see the whales at the Grand Canyon!”

stonehenge
09-26-2011, 08:07 PM
:facepalm:

shootermcgavin003
09-28-2011, 04:02 AM
response

is your wife going to be there if so we are good

theholycow
10-02-2011, 08:15 PM
(Library | Colorado, USA)

(The computers in the computer lab are all in use. There is a sign up station to get the next available computer.)

Customer: “I signed up, but it didn’t work.”

Me: “I see your name. You will get the next available computer.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “It depends which other customer leaves first.”

Customer: “So, it’s random?”

Me: “No, it’s not random. You are in the queue to get the next available computer.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you just say that? It’s random.”

Me: “No, sir, it’s not random. You will–”

Customer: “Queue isn’t a regular English word. Just say it’s random.”

Me: “Sir, computer number 14 is ready for you.”

Customer: *muttering* “It’s random.”

shootermcgavin003
10-02-2011, 08:19 PM
id say bish your random too

Cez★
10-02-2011, 08:30 PM
id say "your grave will be random"
:creepygusta:

stonehenge
10-03-2011, 01:05 AM
id say "your grave will be random"
:creepygusta:

:lol:

theholycow
10-11-2011, 08:21 PM
...
(Tech Support | Missouri, USA)

(I work at a call center geared toward internet and television technical support.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “My service is out. It’s been out all day!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Is this your TV or internet service?”

Customer: “TV or what?”

Me: *slower* “Is this your TV or internet service?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “What’s what?”

Customer: “That second thing you said. What’s that?”

Me: “The internet.”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Um, sir, it’s connected to computers.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that thing is, but I don’t got no computer.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of TV service do you have, then?”

(Thankfully, everything goes smoothly once we get off the topic of computers and internet.)

(Pharmacy | New Jersey, USA)

Customer: “Hi, I’m calling to see if you have cholera pills in stock.”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Cholera is a contagious disease.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’m looking for cholera pills!”

Me: “Um, do you mean the natural supplement Chlorella?”

Customer: “That’s what I said! Cholera! It’s spelled C-H-L-O-R-E-L-L-A. Cholera. I am looking for a large bottle if you
have it.”

Me: *gives up* “Yeah, sure. We happen to have a few bottles of cholera in stock.”

Customer: “I’ll be there in five minutes!”

(Party Supply Store | Belgium)

(A customer addresses me with a question about balloons we’ve sold her the week before.)

Customer: “I think I bought the wrong ones.” *points at the shelf* “These don’t rise to the ceiling. Where are the ones that do?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is only one kind of balloon. They float if you fill them with helium.”

(The customer stands there giving me a puzzled look.)

Me: “You just blew them up with air, didn’t you? You see, if the gas is lighter than the air–”

(She continues to look with a confused, helpless gaze.)

Me: “If you want them to float in the air, you’ll just have to buy this tank of helium, put the balloon over the valve and release the gas into the balloon.”

Customer: “But I’ve already blown up all the balloons! Is there no other way to have them go up to the ceiling?”

Me: “You could tape them onto your ceiling.”

stonehenge
10-11-2011, 09:58 PM
wtf is internet?

Cez★
10-11-2011, 11:07 PM
Some people should read a chemistry book on the periodic table :fp:

linden
10-14-2011, 05:05 PM
uncle sent me this
The following are facts taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

theholycow
10-14-2011, 05:12 PM
Classic. :roflsquared:

stonehenge
10-14-2011, 05:12 PM
:rofltank:

Cez★
10-15-2011, 02:44 AM
last 4. fucking priceless

stonehenge
10-19-2011, 07:04 PM
I work in IT, have done so for around 7 years. Had many hilarious / frustrating / ridiculous things happen but this is my favorite:

A client of mine was setting up a new business and was trying to keep alot of information about this new start up private. He composes an email with certain information about this new company and sends it over to us stressing that he wants to send this out to over 50 recipients and wants to ensure that each recipient can't see the other recipients email addresses as this would cause many problems for him.

In his email to us he states "How do I make sure that each recipient can't see each other ? It would be a major shit storm if they saw each others email addresses as I could possibly be cut out of several very important business deals".

Wait for it...

"I have included the list of every recipients email address in the CC bar at the top of this email, please respond and advise"

After forwarding to the other techs in the company and loosing about half an hour through laughing so hard my face almost exploded.. I politely explained to him that he had just forwarded that email to every single person on the list and they can all see each others email addresses.

Oh and in future to use the BCC field.

:lol:

Cez★
10-20-2011, 12:51 AM
:roflfp:

stonehenge
10-20-2011, 05:21 PM
Client: “I don’t want to download it. Just give it to me over the phone.”

Me: “It’s a computer program, I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can mail you a DVD, or I can tell you how to safely download it over the internet.”

Client: “Look, I’m not downloading anything, and I’m not getting off the phone until you give it to me.”

Me: “…Okay, do you have a pen and a piece of paper?”

Client: “Hold on… Yup, go ahead!”

Me: “0 1 0 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 (continued saying random sequence for about 20 seconds)”

Client: “Okay, I guess you can mail it to me.”

:roflpow:

theholycow
10-26-2011, 08:02 PM
(Retail | Georgia, USA)

(I am working the register in the garden center when a man with no arms come through with an item held under his chin. He leans over, drops it on my counter and says that he’ll be right back. He comes back with several more items under his chin, and states that he is ready to check out.)

Me: “So, how is your day going?”

Customer: “It’s going fine, thanks!”

(The transaction goes smoothly until it’s time for him to pay.)

Customer: “I have no arms, so you’ll have to get the money out of my pocket.”

(I blink, but it sounds reasonable, so I walk around the counter to get the money. As I reach into his front pocket, he notices
something.)

Customer: “Oops, my fly is open. But, don’t worry. Nothing will jump out at you!”


(I’m walking down the street when an older man approaches me.)

Older man: “Hey there.”

Me: “Hi.”

Older man: “How old are you?”

Me: “Um, well I’m an adult.”

Older man: “Married?”

Me: “Sir, please stop asking personal questions.”

Older man: “Sorry, but my son really needs a wife.”

Me: “I don’t even live here, I’m on vacation.” *I begin walking away*

Older man: *chases after me* “Doesn’t matter. Ah, aren’t you Chinese? I have to talk to your parents about marriage, right?”

Me: “Sir, please leave me alone.”

(Suddenly, a younger man who is across the street begins yelling.)

Younger man: “Dad! Quit nagging girls. I can find my own wife.”

(The younger man crosses street to talk to me.)

Younger man: “Sorry, young lady. My dad is not happy that my younger brother is getting married before me. Says it’s bad luck!”


(Restaurant | Morehead, KY, USA)

(While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in my section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons me over.)

Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

Me: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

...

stonehenge
10-26-2011, 09:29 PM
I got called down to a client/acquaintance's house to fix an email problem (again). After a few minutes the problem was fixed and I'm about to head out.

Now, between me getting up from the chair and reaching the front door, the client begins cursing under his breath and yanks a sheet of paper out of the printer.
Looking back, I casually ask if anything is wrong. He tells me "no" and it's about then that I notice his hand is covered in ink and there's a black puddle forming around his printer. The conversation continued like this:

"Are you sure? Your printer is leaking ink..."

"No no it's fine. It does that."

"I dunno, man. I've never seen a printer even do that before but it's not good. I can give you a spare printer of mine to tide you over until you can get a replacement. Either way you definitely shouldn't use that thing anymore."

"But it still works!"

At this point the ink puddle has dripped onto the floor and he's gotten ink on his shirt and pants. I'm doing what I can to hide my "are you serious" face. He went on to tell me that the printer has been doing this for a while now but that it usually goes away once he BUYS A NEW INK CARTRIDGE. Then it's good for a couple weeks.

I smiled and nodded, knowing there was nothing I could do to help.

:facepalm:

shootermcgavin003
10-27-2011, 12:12 AM
morehead ky one is only an hour from here

so as you can see its like the whole eastern part of the state is smartasses

theholycow
10-27-2011, 12:53 AM
(Restaurant | Ontario, Canada)

Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

Me: “Certainly, sir.”

(I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”
...

theholycow
10-27-2011, 07:54 PM
(Ice Cream Store | New Jersey, USA)

Customer: “What’s in the Cookie Monster?”

Me: “It is a blue cookie dough ice cream with Oreos in it.”

Customer: “Can you take the blue out?”

Me: “No, we use a blue dye when we make the ice cream. It has no flavor.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll get a different flavor because I don’t like the taste of blue.”


(Medical Office | Great Neck, NY, USA)

(I call patients the day before their appointment to remind them.)

Me: “Hello, [patient], I am calling to remind you of your appointment with [doctor] tomorrow at noon.”

Patient: “Okay, what time is my appointment?”

Me: “Noon.”

Patient: “But what time is my appointment?”

Me: “Noon.”

Patient: “What time is noon?”

Me: “Um, it’s at twelve o’clock…in the afternoon.”

Patient: “Oh, great. Thanks! I’ll be in.”

(Retail | Reno, NV, USA)

(Note: California has just enacted a new law stating that it is illegal for retailers to ask consumers for their zip code.)

Me: “And could I get your zip code, please?”

Customer: “You can’t ask me that! It’s illegal!”

Me: “Only in the state of California. This is Nevada.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not giving it to you because it’s an invasion of my privacy.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I’m finishing her transaction, and she sees the signup form to receive emails about sales and coupons.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “This is a form to receive emails about coupons, sales, and special offers.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay, I’d like to sign up!”

(She starts filling out the form.)

Me: “I just need to ask you for your zip code.”

Customer: “Okay!”

...I get annoyed with the constant zip code and phone number questions when I'm just buying something stupid. I said annoyed, not paranoid.

stonehenge
10-27-2011, 09:32 PM
Yeah i give it to them in the hopes that it would make them build a store closer to my area or something but in reality I doubt it does shit. :jester:

---------- Post added at 01:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:10 PM ----------

Had a guy drop off his laptop today. He gave me 2 passwords, both 18-20 characters long. When I booted up his computer, I was immediately greeted with a BIOS password prompt. As I typed in his password, I found out there was a 12 character limit. I called him and had the following conversation:

Me: Hey Charlie, I need your BIOS password. The ones you gave me are too long.

Him: I gave it to you, it's unicornsaretasty

Me: I keep typing that in, but I can only get unicornsaret in before it reaches the end of the box.

Him: It's always worked for me. Are you sure it's spelled right? <he proceeds to spell it>

Me: Yep, I got it spelled right. Are there any capitals?

Him: Nope. All lower case <spells it again>

This loop continues a few more times when finally....

Him: Oh, yea. Did it beep a few times? It needs to beep a few times, that means it's working.

Me: ....No. Hang on, let me try it. <type in the entire password, sure enough, it beeps 6 times after it hits the 12 character limit>. ಠ_ಠ Looks like that worked.

Him: The beeps mean it's processing. Don't they teach you that in geek school?

Me: I must have missed that class. (http://www.noahmallin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/americanpsycho460.jpg)

:lol:

theholycow
10-27-2011, 10:52 PM
:picardpalm:

BillyJeanKing
10-27-2011, 10:54 PM
Fucking wow....truly retarded

Cez★
10-27-2011, 11:18 PM
i laughed at teh
http://www.noahmallin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/americanpsycho460.jpg

theholycow
10-27-2011, 11:25 PM
(Tire Center | Missouri, USA)

(I work at a tire center. More often than we’d like, we get completely clueless customers coming in for tire replacements.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to get my tires changed.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the year, make, and model of your vehicle?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure of any of that. Do you need it?”

Me: “Yeah, we need to know so we can get the right size of tires. Do you know if your car is a Chevy? A Ford? Dodge?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but I think the name starts with an E?”

Me: “Okay, is it a car, truck, or SUV?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just step outside on the parking lot. You can point your car out for me and I can get the information there.” (The customer stands at the door and points out to the lot, which is filled with cars.)

Customer: “It’s the white one.”

(I go outside and begin to walk to the first white car I see.)

Customer: “What are you doing?! I said the white one! The white one!” *points to another white car in a different direction* “You don’t know what you’re doing! Who hired you?”


(Pharmacy | Goffstown, NH, USA)

(A customer has called to ask if we carry an over the counter soap in our store.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am? I just checked and we do carry [brand] soap. However, we are all out of stock right now, but we could order some for you and it would come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “You don’t carry [brand]?”

Me: “We do carry it. We just don’t have it in right now.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because other customers have purchased it. But we can order some for tomorrow.”

Customer: “Well, how long will that take?”

Me: “It’ll come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “So, how many days will that be?”


...

Cez★
10-27-2011, 11:30 PM
:what?:

i hope these are fake. so mash cezrage would occur

stonehenge
10-27-2011, 11:32 PM
omg srsly i would have to try REALLY hard to not do one of these faces:

:fulloffuck:
:what?:
:ayfkm:
:lol:
:pissedoff:
:ffuuu:

Cez★
10-27-2011, 11:35 PM
or one of these
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l215/crazyshaggy/misc/Untitled2-1.png
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l215/crazyshaggy/misc/Excalibur_Reaction.jpg
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l215/crazyshaggy/misc/Excalibur_Reaction_Hiro.jpg
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l215/crazyshaggy/misc/Untitled-11.png
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l215/crazyshaggy/misc/Untitled-12.png

---------- Post added at 05:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:35 PM ----------

:trollcat:

pinche gente pendeja

theholycow
10-27-2011, 11:40 PM
(My fiancee is an extremely outgoing and charismatic individual. Unfortunately, sometimes women take his outgoing personality as expressing interest in them. One day, he has the following conversation with a female classmate.)

Classmate: “Oh, hey! I noticed you weren’t in lab today.”

My fiancee: “Yeah, I switched labs today because we had some plans this morning for the car.”

Classmate: “We? Who’s we?”

My fiancee: “My fiancee and I. She needed new tires.”

Classmate: *sadly* “Oh, I thought you wanted to have me be your girlfriend…”

My fiancee: “Oh, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to lead you on.”

Classmate: “It’s okay, I just dreamed last night about you hog-tying me while being romantic. See you later!”

Hot :imo

(My sister is at her boyfriend’s house for dinner with his family. She’s excited and nervous because he’d told her it would be “a night you’ll never forget.” She has a habit of always unfolding napkins and setting them on her lap before eating, which he’s teased her about before. When she sits down, everyone stares at her, making her feel even more self-conscious.)

Sister: “What’s everyone looking at?”

Boyfriend: “Nothing. So, aren’t you going to open your napkin and put it on your lap?”

(My sister thinks he’s teasing her in front of his family, so she refuses.)

Sister: “No. No I’m not.”

(As dinner progresses, everyone continues to stare at her.)

Sister: *wipes mouth with napkin without opening it*

Boyfriend’s kid sister: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

Sister: “What?! What’s so funny?”

(The kid sister spills her drink from laughing, and my sister automatically reaches to clean up the spill with her napkin.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, for God’s sake!”

(He snatches the napkin from her hand, opens it, and sets it on the table in front of her. Written on the napkin are the words, “Will you marry me?” My sister stares in shock, and then bursts into tears. An awkward silence descends until she buries her face in her boyfriend’s shoulder.)

Boyfriend’s father: “Um. Is that a yes, then?”

(My sister nods, crying too hard to talk. His father proceeds to bring out a cake that says “Congratulations Ashley and Larry!” as my sister continues to cry.)

Boyfriend’s father: “We had another cake that said ‘Thanks Anyway!’ just in case.”

...that's exactly how that plan would have worked for me, too. That shit always happens to me.

Cez★
10-27-2011, 11:42 PM
:rofltank:

omaigawd

theholycow
10-28-2011, 07:42 PM
(Restaurant | Liverpool, UK)

(When a customer orders water at our restaurant, it shows up on their receipts as H2O.)

Customer: *loudly* “I think you’ve given me the wrong bill. You’ve charged me for H2O. I only had water!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “I want a refund. I’m not paying for something that I didn’t even have!”

(She carries on ranting for a couple of minutes until her friend points out to her in a surprisingly calm way that H2O is water.)

Customer: “Oh, is it?! I thought that was juice!” *slinks out looking embarrassed*

(Farm | Langley, BC, Canada)

(I work on a berry farm and we have U-pick on the farm. While working in U-pick, I come across a woman and her son walking in the small wooded area beside one of the strawberry fields.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice you walking through the trees here. Are you looking for someone?”

Customer: “Oh, hi. Um, no…we aren’t looking for anyone.”

(She continues to walk away from me.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to come back to the strawberry field now. This wooded area is actually not on farm property.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. We’ll be quick. My son just needs to poop.”

Me: “Oh! Actually, we ask that you don’t do that here. We have restrooms back at the main building.”

(I point to the building, which is about 20 yards away.)

Customer: *sighs* “Well, alright, but that’s a pretty long way to walk…”


(Tourist Attraction | Harpers Ferry, WV, USA)

(We are whitewater rafting in West Virginia. While floating between rapids, a girl in her mid-20s from a large city in Virginia, randomly starts asking me questions.)

Customer: “Man! There are a lot of trees here. Why are there so many trees? Can’t you take some of them out?”

Me: “Um, okay. Why do we need to take the trees out?”

Customer: “Well, I thought trees had to be at least 20 feet apart!”

(It’s obvious she’s a city girl, so I decide to have a little fun.)

Me: “Oh, well let me explain. You see, over in Virginia, they plowed down the forest, built your parking lot, and then planted a couple trees to try and make it look pretty. Here in West Virginia, the trees naturally grew this way and we decided to leave them because we like oxygen.”

Customer: “Oh…well, trees are ugly.”
...

stonehenge
10-28-2011, 08:36 PM
I awoke one morning to find that I had no internet access... with no time to deal with it before work I headed out to the car. There I saw the DSL line, detached from the utility pole and draped over my car, onto the ground. All sorts of wires were sticking out the end.

After work I called Verizon support. Of course I was connected to some outsourced support company.

Me: Yes, the DSL line to my house has fallen off of the utility pole.

Them: So you have no internet access?

Me: Correct.

Them: Okay, I will need you to restart your computer.

Me: No. The line, outside my house, is lying on the ground with wires sticking out of it. Restarting my computer will not reattach it.

We proceeded, undeterred down the troubleshooting script; restart the router, refresh IP, check connection from modem to wall, etc. Each time I tried to rephrase the issue in a way they would understand. It took about 30 minutes for them to agree to send someone to fix the line. They still insisted that I would have to be there to let the tech in the house to troubleshoot.

:facepalm:

Cez★
10-28-2011, 09:24 PM
:fulloffuck:

theholycow
10-28-2011, 09:27 PM
(Electronics Store | New Zealand)

Customer: “Hi there, darling. Uh, I was wondering, do you have any pads?”

Me: “Do you mean iPads?”

Customer: “Yeah pads, iPads, whatever. Can you show me where they are?”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Are you interested in the iPad or the iPad 2?”

Customer: “Wait…so, like, you use the iPad at day and the iPad 2 at night?”

:kittahstaredoor:

theholycow
11-02-2011, 07:46 PM
(I’m reading when I hear my boyfriend scream.)

Me: “What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I hit my forehead!”

Me: “Aww, here’s a kiss. ”

(I kiss him on the forehead.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I also hit my crotch…”

...that's how it works with my wife and I, too.

(Restaurant | Edmonton, AB, Canada)

(This happens to me while I am working as a cashier at a popular fast food place. A big, stereotypical jock teen in a football sweater comes up to my till.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

Customer: “I’d like two apple pies, please.”

Me: “Sure, hang on a second.”

(I ring up the order and gives him the pies.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong…”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I s*** my pants.”

Me: *shocked* “Wait, what?”

Customer: “I S*** MY PANTS!” *continues screaming and walks out of the store*

theholycow
11-03-2011, 03:04 PM
I just got this call from Derpa, head of a department that uses computers more than most other departments.

Derpa: My emails are missing. I should have hundreds in my Inbox but there are 21.

Cow: Ok, I'll connect up and take a look.
{Look up user's IP, run VNC}
{It says Inbox (21) and I see that there's plenty of emails in it.}

Cow: Everything looks pretty normal. Do you remember a specific one that's missing? If we can find it, all the others are probably there with it.

Derpa: Yes. One on 10/18 from Derpina.

{I do a search for from: Derpina. We see the one she mentioned. It says it's in the Inbox}

Cow: Ok, maybe you have a display filter or something. First, let's see where the messages stop.

{Scroll to the oldest, then scroll smoothly to the one she mentioned}

Cow: It seems to be there ok. You do know that the "21" next to "Inbox" just says how many are unread, right?

:kittahstare:

stonehenge
11-03-2011, 03:12 PM
:facepalm:

Cez★
11-03-2011, 03:30 PM
:blahclap:

theholycow
11-03-2011, 08:14 PM
(Online Store | UK)

(I work for an online store that sells mostly shoes, bags, and other accessories. This particular Christmas, the weather conditions in the UK are so bad that almost all deliveries are delayed by several days.)

Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My package still hasn’t arrived. I ordered it almost five days ago. This is an outrage!”

Me: “I apologize. All orders are currently delayed due to adverse weather conditions.”

Caller: “Are you telling me I paid 4.50 for shipping and you can’t even deliver them to me before the 25th? This is unbelievable!”

Me: “I apologize for the delay. We will of course refund all shipping and handling costs.”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I want my order now! It needs to be here before Christmas! My daughter asked for those shoes specifically.”

Me: “Your order will most likely not arrive before Christmas, but I can have a look if these particular shoes are available in any stores near you.”

Caller: “Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to get to the store? I’m snowed in!”


(Auto Mechanic | Austin, TX, USA)

(My manager is talking to a customer about what they need fixed on their car. I often eavesdrop so I can hear from a person’s own words what is wrong. It often helps me to diagnose the problem.)

Customer: “The truck isn’t running right. It doesn’t have power and runs rough.”

Me: “Well, when do you notice the problem?’

Customer: “When I’m slowing down.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t have power when braking? ”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Do you mean the brakes don’t feel right?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “What about when you get back on the gas pedal? Does it go fine?”

Customer: “Oh, yes it has plenty of power then.”

Me: “So, when you are on the brakes and slowing down, the truck doesn’t have power, but when you get back on the throttle it has plenty of power?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: *speechless*

(We take the car in and run full diagnostics. I never found anything wrong with the truck. It ran like it was brand new and have very few miles on it.)


:facepalm:

Fatso
11-03-2011, 08:18 PM
:lol: people are stupid

Tapatalk

stonehenge
11-03-2011, 08:43 PM
fuckin dumbasses :facepalm:

Especially the truck guy.

theholycow
11-04-2011, 06:42 PM
(Fast Food | Washington, USA)

(Another employee and I are working the drive-thru and we both are able to talk to customers at the speaker box.)

Male coworker: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll take a number two and a number seven.”

(At this point, my coworker has to talk to another customer, so I finish talking to the customer. I am a woman.)

Me: “Okay, and what would you like to drink with those?”

Customer: “Wh-What happened to the MAN I was talking to?”

Me: “I’m sorry… he was helping another customer for a moment. Did you not want to talk to me?”

Customer: “That’s just rude and confusing for the customer!”

...I agree, it is rude to change who is talking to the customer. Should be the same employee throughout the same order.

(Coffee Shop | Indiana, USA)

(A woman comes through our drive-thru and orders an iced mocha. This happens after I hand her the drink.)

Customer: “Um…is this an iced mocha?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

(The customer purses her lips, stares at her drink, then hands it back to me.)

Customer: “Well, this isn’t an iced mocha. It’s supposed to be hot.”

Me: “Oh, so you wanted a regular hot mocha?”

Customer: “No, I want a hot iced mocha.”

Me: “Ok, so…you would like some ice in your hot mocha?”

Customer: “No, I want a hot iced mocha!”

Me: “Well, an iced mocha is usually cold and has ice in it…”

(I trail off as the woman just stares at me as if I’m insane, so I try again to figure out what “iced” means.)

Me: “Do you mean you’d like whipped cream on it?”

Customer: *becoming irate* “No! I want a hot iced mocha! I always get a hot iced mocha! They make it for me all the time at the other [other coffee shop].”

Me: “Okay, we’ll make that for you. ”

(I close the window and ask my coworker to make a regular hot mocha and give it to the woman, while I dash to the back to laugh my head off. When I return, my coworker tells me that the woman is perfectly satisfied with her hot mocha. To this day, I’m still trying to figure out what she meant by “iced.”)

Must be on meth.

(Bookstore | Grand Rapids, MI, USA)

Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”

Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”

Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”

Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”

Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”

stonehenge
11-04-2011, 06:46 PM
iced beverage is cold!?

:impossibru:

theholycow
11-04-2011, 07:34 PM
(Coffee Shop | Blue Jay, CA, USA)

(We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

Me: “5:00 am.”

Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

Me: “Yes, they do.”

Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”


(My parents are having dinner at a popular pizza arcade; it’s also where my little sister and I work. They happen to be sitting within earshot of the following conversation.)

My boss, to me: “You. Go put on the [character] costume for [male coworker's] party.”

Me, to male coworker: “Aww, I hate having to wear that costume. I just know those kids are going to attack me again.”

(My male coworker wraps his arms around my shoulder.)

Male coworker: “It’s okay, I’ll protect you. If any little kids come up to you, I’ll beat them up for you!”

(He starts to walk me back to the costume room and we pass right by my parents.)

Mom: *yelling* “Quick! Marry him now! Your father would never beat up any little kids for me while I was wearing a rat costume!”


(Office | Orange County, CA, USA)

Me: “Good morning, this is [name] at [company]. How may I help you?

Caller: “May I please speak to [co-worker]?”

Me: “He is not in the office today. May I take a message?”

Caller: “No, I just wanted to confirm if he got my email. Can you have him call me and let me know?”

Me: “Of course, may I get your name and phone number?”

(The customer proceeds to give me a phone number, the spelling of her name, and a detailed message.)

Me: “Okay, I have everything. I’ll be sure to give him your message as soon as possible.”

Caller: “No! I didn’t want to leave a message. I just want him to call me back.”

Me: “But you do want me to tell him it’s regarding your email, correct?”

Caller: “Yes! And don’t forget to let him know about the change in time.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll give him the message.”

Caller: “I’m not leaving him a message! I just want you to give him that information!”

:fp2:

stonehenge
11-04-2011, 07:45 PM
I seriously seriously hope some of these are made up or we as a race are truly fucked.

theholycow
11-04-2011, 08:11 PM
(Concession Stand | Kansas City, MO, USA)

(A woman, about 40 years old, is looking at all our different food and drink items on a list on our front window.)

Me: “Hi! What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh…what’s j-u-i-c-e?”

Me: *pause* “Er, that’s juice.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(Stands there apparently thinking for about 10 seconds.)

Customer: “I don’t know what that is. Never mind!” *walks away*

:uhoh:

stonehenge
11-04-2011, 08:13 PM
wtf @ don't know juice

Cez★
11-04-2011, 09:14 PM
I seriously seriously hope some of these are made up or we as a race are truly fucked.

:serio:

i be preparing mah flaming axe right nao

theholycow
11-06-2011, 07:22 PM
(Pharmacy | California, USA)

(I work in the OTC section of a well-known pharmacy chain. I’m stocking the shelves in an aisle when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I’ve looked all over here. Where are your hemorrhoid wipes?”

Me: “Oh, those are actually down on Aisle 20.”

Customer: “Really? Why are they over there and not in this aisle with the rest of the anal care?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Anal care!” *points at the aisle’s sign*

(The sign she was pointing at? “Analgesics”.)


(Movie Theater | Minden, NV, USA)

(I am cleaning the lobby in the theater when a female customer comes out of the restroom. She goes to use the drinking fountain. As with most businesses, the restrooms are located right next to the fountain.)

Customer: *aghast* “This is disgusting!”

Me: “Is there something wrong with the tap, ma’am? We do clean it often but I haven’t made it over there yet this round.”

Customer: “No, it is lovely. You do a fine job. It was just horrible!”

Me: “If there is nothing wrong, why was it horrible?”

Customer: “Because when I was drinking the water, I heard a toilet flush in the restroom and it made the water pressure go down!”

Me: “Well, yes. The plumbing is connected as they both draw from the–”

Customer: “That water that I was drinking? A minute later, if I hadn’t come along, it would have been used to flush someone’s waste? That is so disgusting! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “Well, would you rather the water pressure went up when you heard the flush?”

(The customer takes a step back and looks confused. Suddenly, the implication of my statement reaches her nearly hysterical mind and she flees the building with a look of horror on her face.)


(Call Center | South Australia, Australia)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

(The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

Me: “Thank you–”

Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

:jester:

shootermcgavin003
11-06-2011, 08:20 PM
the beating up little kids one is great sounds like some shit my mom would say

theholycow
11-08-2011, 02:08 AM
(Coffee Shop | Clyde, OH, USA)

Customer: “I’d like a half decaf, half caffeinated skim milk latte, medium size.”

(I make the latte with her staring at me the entire time, apparently making sure I’m making it right.)

Me: “Here’s your half caf grande nonfat latte.”

Customer: “You said half caf? You made the other half decaf, right?”

Me: “Well, yes. If one half is caffeinated, then the other half has to be decaf, right?”

Customer: “You don’t need to be smart!”

(She walks away ticked off and complaining to her friend saying she better not be awake all night because I’m unable to make her drink correctly.)

(Cafe | Kansas City, MO, USA)

(I work for a small local cafe. It’s late in the evening and I am busy with tables and to-go orders. A customer calls to put in an order.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [cafe]. What can I get for you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need one chicken gyro and a cream soda to go.”

Me: “Anything else for you this evening?”

Caller: “No, but I am in a hurry. Could you just bring it out to the car for me? I just went into labor and cannot get out of the car.”

Me: “Um…is there anyone else with you?”

Caller: “Only my two year old.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll bring it out to you when you arrive.”

(It actually takes an extra 30 minutes for her to drive up and pick up her order. Surprisingly, when she arrives, she sits in the car for another 20 minutes and eats her meal all while she’s in labor with a 2 year old in the back seat.)


(Hotel | Boone, NC, USA)

Customer: “What’s up there?” *pointing at the stairs*

Me: “Those stairs take you to the second floor and the breakfast area.”

Customer: “So, like, if we walk up those stairs, we’ll be on the second floor?”

Me: “Yes, that’s generally what happens when you go up stairs.”

Customer: “That’s so cool! They’ve got stairs and an elevator!”

:sacfp:

theholycow
11-08-2011, 07:14 PM
(Park | Michigan, USA)

(I work at the front booth charging entry and parking fees to park visitors. Most of these visitors are tourists from Chicago. The entry fee is different for in-state and out-of-state license plates on the vehicles.)

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [state park]. Do you have a Michigan license plate or an out of state license plate?”

Customer: “No. No, I don’t have that.”

Me: “Are you from Michigan or out-of-state? What is the state on your license plate?”

(Suddenly, the customer screams loudly and throws his hands up in the air as if he were terrified.)

Customer: “My ID! You need to see my ID? I have ID!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t need to see your ID. I just want to know where you are from.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “What state are you from?”

Customer: “Chicago. The state of Chicago.”

...I can imagine me being that particular Derper McDerpington. As I'm driving up, my fuel pump is worrying me with a weird noise, my wife is babbling about some random shit, and I'm trying to read the signs. I determine from the signs that my fee will be $7 and I expect him to eyeball my plate as I approach and ask me for $7. Then this conversation ensues:

dude in the hut says: "Hello! Welcome to [state park]. Do you have a mimibnn ice gate or an ootorf stasdfh lerhahas fait?"
(This is how I hear a lot of speech, and why I prefer email instead of phone calls.)

cao thinks: He surely saw my license plate. Must be asking if I have a frequent user season pass or something.
cao says: “No. No, I don’t have that.”

dude in the hut says: “Are you from Michigan or out-of-state? What is the state on your license plate?”

cao thinks: Why is he asking me where I'm from? OH GOD THEY THINK I'M THE GUY FROM THAT AMBER ALERT! FUCK! THEY GONNA ARREST CAO!

I'd never say "state of Chicago" though, not even if I was from Chicago.

stonehenge
11-08-2011, 09:04 PM
I'm from the state of caoville.

---------- Post added at 01:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:44 AM ----------

one-line jests from some IT gaiz on reddit:

"Yeah, that's D as in David, E as in...uh...E as in X Ray..."
"The first place you go blind is your eyes"
"I'm trying to use your webkit and I'm getting errors. View page at link below. C:\My Documents...."
"This all looks like hydroglyphics to me!"
"Do you guys work on Toshibos?"
"My machine wont crank up because the brain is full."
"Ugh, I can't download my Printer."
"I'm computerly illiterate."
"R as in Rover, M as in... uh... MacGuyver..."
"Why is the picture on my screen upside down? And why is this round plastic thing with rubber tips on top of my monitor? It wasnt there before we moved"

MacGuyver one is win, others are :fp:

theholycow
11-08-2011, 09:07 PM
:word:

theholycow
11-09-2011, 07:16 PM
(Pharmacy | Lansing, MI, USA)

(I am standing in line at the pharmacy counter and a man rudely cuts in front of me, stating that he has been waiting in line, just in another part of the store. He assures me he’ll be quick, but I don’t buy his excuse. The following exchange occurs between him and the pharmacist.)

Customer: “I need to speak to a pharmacist immediately.”

Pharmacist: “Do you have a question about your medication?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on the bottle to take with water. I don’t drink water. Water makes you fat.”

Pharmacist: “Um, water is essential for your body, especially with those pills.”

Customer: “What about water retention? Will I just pee it out, then?”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, your body will eventually eliminate it. You should drink water, though. Your body needs plenty of water to work well, and you really don’t want to be dehydrated while on this drug.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it. Oh, and one more question. What about alcohol? Can I still have my alcohol?”

(Library | Melbourne, Australia)

(A customer is returning a large pile of overdue books – about 90 for the entire family. She’s waiting while I process them in order to pay the fine.)

Me: “Well, they’re not very overdue. It’s just that there’s a lot of them.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry they’re late.”

(I scan the last few books.)

Me: “Okay, over the three cards, there’s $50 in fines, but I’ll halve that to $25 as they’re not too late.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks so much. I just couldn’t get them in as we’ve all had scarlet fever.”

(I look at the pile of books, every one of which I have handled.)

Me: “Oh…”


(My boyfriend and I are talking about Chinese wedding dresses after a friend of his got married.)

Me: “If we ever get married, I’m gonna have to get one made here before we go.”

Boyfriend: “Why? They do sell them there.”

Me: “Well, yes, but I’m not exactly shaped like a Chinese girl. ”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s okay. We have fat girls in China too!”

(For the record, I was referring to the fact that I have decently sized breasts. I did end up marrying him and found the one dress that fit me, too!)

:naughty:

(Bank | Ohio, USA)

(This customer’s account has been overdrawn for over a month. This is due to several ATM withdrawals when she didn’t have the money in her account.)

Customer: “You need to refund these overdraft fees because you never notified me that I was overdrawn.”

Me: “According to the notes on your account, you called us every time before you made a withdrawal. Every time, a rep told you that you’d get a fee if you didn’t make a deposit to cover it the following day.”

Customer: “Nope, you never informed me of any fees. Yeah, I took $500 I didn’t have in the account, but I shouldn’t get fees because you never notified me of any fees. Refund them now!”

Me: “We also called you every day over the past month. We sent you a text and email alert every day. We also sent you 10 letters letting you know that your account is overdrawn. You will continue to get fees until you deposit enough money to cover the negative balance.”

Customer: “I throw away all my mail from you because I think it’s junk. I don’t check my email and I ignore your texts, so it’s not my fault that I didn’t know I was getting fees. Refund them now, because I wasn’t notified of the fees!”

Me: “Yeah, no. That’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “But you never notified me!”

theholycow
11-13-2011, 06:00 PM
(Tourist Attraction | New Mexico, USA)

(I manage a tourist center that welcomes people coming into New Mexico. An obviously American tourist comes into the center.)

Tourist: *in broken Spanish* “Excuse me! I think you all forgot something.”

Me: *in English* “Yes, how can I help you?”

Tourist: *more broken Spanish* “Nobody was checking for
passports when we crossed the border here.”

Me: “Passports?”

Tourist: “We are in Mexico now, after all.”

Me: “This is New Mexico, sir. You don’t need a passport to–”

Tourist: “What’s to stop illegal immigrants from coming into the United States if they don’t check our passports coming into New Mexico?”

Me: “Sir, New Mexico is part of the United States.”

Tourist: “Now you’re just lying to me.”

:mexiblah:

(Amusement Park | California, USA)

(I work at an amusement park in Southern California. A customer comes up to me while I am cleaning a shop.)

Customer: “Where can I find a [cartoon character] blow-up doll?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “Blow-up doll. I need a [cartoon character] blow-up doll!”

Me: “I um, we don’t sell those kinds of items–”

Customer: “You know, you put air in and it goes up!”

Me: “A balloon?”

Customer: “A blow-up doll, yes! Where?!”


(Restaurant | Ohio, USA)

(I’m a server in my restaurant. The Sunday lunch crowd is usually the elderly. An older gentleman and his wife are seated, and I take their drink order.)

Me: “Would you like anything else to drink besides water?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a drink.”

Me: “Okay, what kind?”

(He doesn’t respond and looks at me for a while.)

Me: “We have canned soda: Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew, Sunkist, iced tea, hot tea, coffee–”

Customer: “Yes, I want a can.”

Me: “Um, I…” *smile* “Which one?”

(He stares at me for a good while, like I should know better. Finally, his wife chimes in.)

Wife: “He’d like a Coke, please.”

...I deal with that all the time from people of all ages. It pisses me off. :pissedfist:

---------- Post added at 12:00 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 AM ----------

I eventually end up just breaking it down into bite-sized questions...yes or no, one at a time.

stonehenge
11-13-2011, 07:20 PM
Yeah it is annoying as shit when people can't answer simple questions and look at you like you're the idiot.

theholycow
11-16-2011, 08:21 PM
(Retail | Chicago, IL, USA)

Customer: “Do you work in this department?”

Me: “No, but I’d be happy to help you if you have a question.”

Customer: “How does this rebate work?”

Me: “This is an instant rebate. All you need to do is to take the item to any register and you’ll get the item for the rebate price.”

Customer: “How long does it take?”

Me: “Our instant rebates happen instantly.”

Customer: “Do I get a store credit, or something?”

Me: “No, you get the rebate right away, so you just pay a lower price.”

Customer: “I don’t have a lot of time today. How long does it take?”

Me: “It happens instantly, ma’am.”

Customer: “Maybe I should find someone who works in this department!” *walks off*

...customer's a dumbass, but "instant rebates" are dumbassery too.

(Cruise Ship | Florida, USA)

(I work for a very well known cruise line in Florida. More likely than not, the crew members are not from the US. The people in the terminal on the other hand, are usually locals.)

Me: “Welcome to [cruise line], how are you today?”

Customer: *turning to wife* “Honey, she’s foreign.”

(He then turns back to me, flashes a huge smile, and starts speaking in incredibly slow English)

Customer: “Hello!” *glances at my name tag* “My! I’ve never heard of a country called ‘Guestlogistics’! Where is that?”

Me: “Sir, that’s my position here at the terminal. I’m actually from around here.”

Customer: “Is that in Europe?”

Me: “No, I’m from [next town over].”

Customer: *blank stare* “Okay…anyway, we’re all here to check in.”

brb Guestlogistics vacation

(Pharmacy | New Zealand)

(I’m a pharmacist in a rural area. A shop assistant calls me out from the dispensary to talk to a customer, who is a slightly intoxicated middle aged woman.)

Customer: “This medicine made my partner sick! Violently sick!”

Me: “Let me see. Has he had any alcohol?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you sure? Not even a little?”

Customer: “He doesn’t drink. Maybe only a little, but he wasn’t drunk.”

Me: “It clearly says on the label that you must not drink any alcohol while being treated with this medicine.”

Customer: “But he didn’t drink much at all. A beer shouldn’t matter, should it?”

Me: “It contains enough alcohol to–”

Customer: “But, like, you can even drive if you only drink a beer!”

Me: “That has nothing to do with–”

Customer: “I think he’d better not take this medicine. It made him violently sick!”

Me: “I think he should–”

Customer: “Thanks, I’ll tell him what you said. This medicine is a poison!” *turns around and walks out*

Damn. Natural selection failed.

(Ice Cream Shop | West Orange, NJ, USA)

(This takes place a few months before I leave for college. A lot of the kids working at the store are leaving for college soon, too. One of my coworkers has written “Tips for college kids” on the tip jar. A young mother walks in with her kids on a slow afternoon. After she reads the tip jar, this exchange happens.)

Customer: “Tips for college kids…I have a good tip. Stay away from tequila.”

Me: “Why’s that, ma’am?”

Customer: “I went through a lot of margaritas my freshman year. Now I can’t even look at tequila without feeling sick. Just stay away form it.”

Me: “Don’t worry ma’am. I’ll stick to vodka.”

(And yes, she did leave a nice tip!)
:pissedoff:
Bish don't you be talkin' shit aboot tequila

---------- Post added at 02:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:18 PM ----------

(Post Office | Wisconsin, USA)

Customer: “I am wondering: how long are the ‘forever’ stamps good for?”

Me: “They are good forever.”

Customer: “So, I can still use them when the rate goes up? I don’t have to throw them away?”

Me: “They are ‘forever’ stamps. They can be used ‘forever’, regardless if the rate goes up.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I wasn’t sure what was meant by ‘forever’…”


...meh, it's understandable, they don't mark the amount on all stamps and "forever" may just be a tagline on the stamp.

Why would you throw away stamps that are insufficient though? Rate goes up 2 cents, just buy some 2 cent stamps and use up your old stamps with them.

lowerc
11-16-2011, 08:54 PM
Stamps? :bishplz:

stonehenge
11-16-2011, 09:43 PM
...customer's a dumbass, but "instant rebates" are dumbassery too.

Those are the best kind of rebates. No mailing shit in, no waiting for a check/gift card, etc.

Cez★
11-16-2011, 11:10 PM
:serio:

theholycow
11-17-2011, 01:31 AM
Sure, they're better than mail-in rebates, but why not call a spade a spade...they're discounts.

shootermcgavin003
11-17-2011, 02:45 AM
its like the food city or kroger plus cards pointless but people think they save money with it

theholycow
11-18-2011, 06:01 PM
(Stationery Store | New Zealand)

(This occurs at the busiest time of year for our company. We have every checkout possible open and there are often lines of at least 15 people during most of the day. I am serving at my checkout when I hear a customer grumbling from the line. He comes to my checkout.)

Me: “Hi there, sir, thanks for waiting. Is this everything you wanted today?”

Customer: “NO! I am NOT buying these products! I waited in line for twenty minutes and that is far too long for anyone to wait to buy anything!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is our busiest time of year and as you can see, all of our staff are currently serving–”

Customer: “I don’t care! I’m not buying anything! You can put this all back yourself. I didn’t wait in line for this kind of treatment.”

Me: “Um, so you waited in line to tell me that you aren’t going to wait in line and buy these products?”

Customer: “Yes!” *storms off*


(Bookstore | Massachusetts, USA)

(A middle-aged man and woman walk into the small used bookshop. They look around at the shelvesof books, seemingly perplexed. After giving them a bit of time time, I check up on them.)

Me: “Hi! Let me know if I can help you with anything.”

Woman: What kind of place is this?

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Man: “What is this place?”

Me: *still confused* “It’s a bookstore.”

Woman: “So, all these books are are for sale?”

Me: “Yes they are!”

Man: “Oh…”

(They exchange looks and leave.)


(Tourist Attraction | Prince Rupert, BC, Canada)

Customer: “Hey, are there any Indian attacks on this village?”

Me: *taken aback* “Um. No. No, there are not.”

Customer: “Well, what about the sign?”

Me: “What sign?”

Customer: “The sign that says ‘Watch Out For Ava-LAN-cheez’.”

(From his pronunciation, it’s clear what he’s actually referring to are Apaches, not avalanches.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Um, no…they never attack our small village anymore.”


Dude's confusing this
http://images.thecarconnection.com/sml/2009-chevrolet-avalanche-2wd-crew-cab-130-ltz-angular-front-exterior-view_100257457_s.jpg

with this
http://image.trucktrend.com/f/miscellaneous/ebay-find-heavily-customized-1959-chevrolet-apache-truck-and-aston-martin-van/28919121/1959-chevrolet-apache-truck.jpg

:nono:

stonehenge
11-18-2011, 06:22 PM
:datApashee:

theholycow
11-18-2011, 07:45 PM
Couple of real winners here...

(My boyfriend and I are sitting at home. He gets a call from a number he doesn’t know.)

Boyfriend: “Hello?”

Caller: “Why are you doing this to Amanda?”

Boyfriend: “Excuse me, what?”

Caller: “Stop the ****. This is your sister, and I’m sitting here with Amanda and she’s really pissed at you. Come back…”

(She goes on for awhile about Amanda and her boyfriend. My boyfriend has long since put this on speaker so we can both listen to his “sister’s” rant.)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know any Amandas. And my girlfriend is sitting right here with me. Who are you looking for?”

(For the next few moments, the two women on the phone scream at my boyfriend about how they knew he was cheating on Amanda and how they’re “gonna get” him.)

Boyfriend: “My name is John [last name].”

Caller: “Oh…” *pauses* “Not John [different last name]?”

Boyfriend: “Promise.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(My boyfriend and I sit there for a little, shocked. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “If you ever meet anyone named Amanda, run away.”


(Bookstore | North Shore, MA, USA)

(This happens while I am working at a Christian book store that also sells other “Christian” items. This particular incident involves a customer’s dissatisfaction with a child’s toy called the “Armor of God”, which includes a sword, a shield, and armor.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Hello, I would like a refund for a toy I bought my son last week called the ‘Armor of God’.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Can I please have the order number?”

Caller: “Yes, the order number is ########.”

Me: “Now, was the item defective or damaged in any way, or are you simply dissatisfied with the product?”

Caller: “The toy is possessed.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “The moment my son put on the armor he started screaming and running around attacking everything with the sword. The toy is possessed and I want a full refund. Frankly I’m shocked that a store advertising Christian products would sell something like this!”

Me: “Okay, well, if you box up the items, I can send you a return shipping label. When the toy arrives at our warehouse you will receive a full refund.”

Caller: “You want it back?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can’t give you a refund unless the item is returned.”

Caller: “I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

Me: “Has the toy been damaged in some way?”

Caller: “No, I buried it.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “It was possessed by a demon, so I buried it.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but if that’s the case, I’m afraid I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, you buried the toy in the ground. You’re refusing to return it and the toy is ruined anyway. Per company policy, I cannot give you a refund.”

Caller: “Are you serious? First, you sell me a possessed toy, putting my family in danger, and now you refuse to give me my money back? I demand to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, but first have you considered that possibly the toy isn’t possessed and that your son was just play fighting?”

Caller: “How dare you! Do you think I don’t know the difference? Do you think I’m lying? My son has never acted this way before. The toy is possessed and I am owed a refund. I demand to speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

Me: “Let me place you on hold while I transfer you to my supervisor…”

stonehenge
11-18-2011, 07:57 PM
pinche possessed kids :nono:

theholycow
11-18-2011, 09:09 PM
(Video Rental Store | San Jose, CA, USA)

(I work at a movie rental store. Sometimes we have deaf customers. I know some conversational ASL and can usually communicate with the deaf community just fine. A woman and her daughter walk up with a note and place it on the counter and point to it repeatedly.)

Note: “We’re looking for two movies that came out last Tuesday.”

Me: *in ASL* “Hello, yes, what movies?”

Customer, to daughter: “Why does he think I’m deaf?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! Usually our deaf customers write notes to us.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! How dare you just assume I’m disabled! It’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. May I ask why you gave me a note instead of asking me verbally?”

Customer: “You’re Asian! How was I supposed to know you knew my language?!”

:what?:

(Bookstore | New York, USA)

Customer: “That boy is sitting at the corner over there reading your book!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Is he bothering you in any way?”

Customer: “No, but he is reading a book that he has not paid for yet. He’s like, almost halfway done!”

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. We allow our customers to come and read our books here.”

Customer: “Why the h*** do you let people do that?”

Me: “Well, sometimes people want to see if they like how the book is written before spending money on it.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, poor people shouldn’t be allowed to read!”

:fp:

(Restaurant | Brampton, ON, Canada)

Me: “What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Will the ribs come cut up?”

Me: “No, they’ll be a full rack.”

Customer: “Oh, can I get them cut up?”

Me: “I’m afraid the kitchen doesn’t do that.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, if the meat is too big, it scares me!”

:wifflebat:

stonehenge
11-20-2011, 07:28 PM
A user with a laptop called me when she arrived at the office, complaining that her computer was doing nothing but blue-screening and I needed to fix it NOW.

I walk over to her desk, and she starts complaining about how valuable her time is before I've even gotten into her cube. Then she launches into the whole "your boss won't be happy when I give you and this shitty computer a negative review on this ticket" spiel.

Her problem was simple: the laptop screen was blue all right - the default XP background colour. The external monitor that acted as her primary (and had the login screen) was turned off. I hit the power button, told her to have a nice day, and walked out.

would piss me off

theholycow
11-21-2011, 08:40 PM
(Call Center | Gainesville, Florida, USA)

(I am calling a customer, we’ll call him John Smith, to get feedback on a service he registered with. It’s required that they verify their name.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling from [organization]. May I speak to John Smith?”

Customer: “Yeah, who’s calling?”

Me: “This is [my name]. I’m calling because you recently signed up for one of our services and we’re gathering feedback. Is this a good time to talk?”

Customer: “Oh, uh…John isn’t here right now.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’d be happy to call back. When’s a good time?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What’s this about?”

Me: “We’re just trying to improve our programs and services. It’s optional, but we’d like to get as much feedback from our customers as possible.”

Customer: “Okay, go ahead.”

Me: “I do need to speak to Mr. Smith, though. When will he be available?”

Customer: “He’s available now.”

Me: “Oh, may I speak to him then?”

Customer: “You are speaking to him.”

Me: “Oh.” *laughing* “You got me. Why didn’t you say this was John Smith at first?”

Customer: “I didn’t know who you were.”

Me: “I see. Okay, shall we begin then? I just have a few questions. So to begin, what is your first name?”

Customer: “No, I don’t give out my name over the phone.”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t get attached to your answers, it’s just to confirm–”

Customer: “You don’t have my name. I’m not giving you my name.”

Me: “Well, Mr. Smith, I already have your name, but I don’t do anything with it except to have something to call you by–”

Customer: “This isn’t Mr. Smith.”

Me: “It’s not? But you said–”

Customer: “You asked if you were speaking to John Smith, and I said yes. But I’m not telling you who I am. C’mon, I wanna do the survey.”

Me: “I have to do it with the customer, though. If Mr. Smith is available later, though–”

Customer: “No, he’s available! I’m available!”

Me: “So this is John Smith? Again, I can assure you that your feedback is anonymous.”

Customer: I” don’t give out any information over the phone. I don’t know who you are.”

(Thinking that maybe the lines have crossed, I ask to verify the phone number to be sure this is actually the customer’s number.)

Customer: “Maybe that’s the number you called, maybe not. I’ll answer your questions though. And also…”

(He begins rattling off suggestions for improving our services.)

Me: “If I can’t verify that I called the right person at the right number, I can’t take down any of this. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But I’m who you’re looking for!”

Me: “So, you’re John Smith?”

Customer: “Maybe! Let’s do the survey.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry, sir, but there’s nothing I can do if you can’t verify your identity. Have a good evening.”

Customer: “Wait! I’ll do the survey!”

That customer rules. I gotta remember to pull that kind of shenanigans.
:fuckyeah:

(Hotel | California, USA)

Caller: “I have a reservation! I know I have one!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I don’t appear to have one under your name. Is there another name it could be under?”

Caller: “NO! I have a reservation!”

Me: “May I ask how you booked your reservation?”

Caller: “I don’t know, but I have one!”

Me: “Okay, did you book it online? Call the hotel or choice? did you come to the hotel and book it?”

Caller: “No, I didn’t do any of those things but I know I have a reservation.”

Me: “Could anyone else have made the reservation for you? Perhaps a travel agency?”

Caller: “No, but I have a reservation! I know I do.”

Me: “Do you have a confirmation number I could look it up with?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you didn’t book a reservation, and no one booked it for you, I don’t think you could possibly have a reservation. But, I would love to make you a reservation. In fact, I can make it right now. I’ll just need to get some information from you.”

Caller: “No, I do not give out my information. I have a reservation!” *hangs up*


That one, not so great.

(Phone Company | Texas, USA)

Caller: ‎”Hi, I don’t think my phone is ringing as many times as it’s supposed to.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can test call it if you’d like and we’ll see how many times it rings.”

(I test call the customer. It rings once and he answers.)

Customer: “Yeah, it only rang once that time. It’s supposed to ring four times.”

Me: “Sir, it only rang once because you answered it after the first ring.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know, but it’s still supposed to ring four times!”


(Bookstore | Virginia, USA)

(I’m helping a customer find “The Autobiography of Mark Twain”. As I hand it to her, she remarks on the size of the book.)

Me: “It’s hard to believe it’s only volume one, isn’t it?”

Customer: “It is?”

Me: “Yeah, see? Right under the title.”

Customer: “Oh, he must not have written the second one yet!”


---------- Post added at 02:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:53 PM ----------

(Supermarket | Sydney, NSW, Australia)

(I am serving a mother and her teenage daughter. There is a limited edition version of a popular type of gum. The daughter picks up a packet.)

Customer: *looking outraged* “I’m not buying you condoms!” *slaps the gum out of her hands*

Customer’s daughter: *embarrassed* “They’re not condoms!”

Customer: “Or…whatever they are!”

Customer’s daughter: “It’s gum!”

Customer: *embarrassed*

Customer’s daughter: *even more embarrassed and turning bright red*

Both of them: *hurriedly pay and leave, without the gum*

:fp:

stonehenge
11-21-2011, 09:58 PM
pinche mom :fp:

theholycow
11-22-2011, 08:51 PM
(Museum | Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada)

(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the vicitms are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)

Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”

...we can only wish.

(Restaurant | Fresno, CA, USA)

(I am working as the host at a family restaurant. It’s particularly busy night, so I am taking down names on the wait list on.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Customer: “It’s going to be 6 with 2 kids.”

Me: “So, a total of 6 people?”

Customer: “No, 8!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Okay, a total of 8. I got you down.”

(Their party has to wait for around 30 minutes to be seated. Right after we seat them, the woman comes back up to the front.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me! How do you expect us to fit at this table?!”

Me: “Well, that table can usually hold 8 people. It seats four on one side, and four on the other.”

Customer: “But we have 13 people!”

Me: “Ma’am, when I asked you the total amount of people, you told me 8.”

Customer: “No, I told you 8 adults and 3 children!”

Me: “But that only adds up to 11–”

Customer: “That doesn’t matter! We can’t fit!”

(Tech Support | Wellington, New Zealand)

(I answer calls for technical support within the company.)

Caller: “My computer is a fire risk.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Caller: “It gets hot. There are papers near it.”

Me: “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.”

Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.”

Me: “Computers usually get warm–”

Caller: “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.”

Caller: “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.”

(I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.)

Technician: “You know that computer that was a fire risk?”

Me: “Yes?”

Technician: “She meant it was on fire.”


Cez must have been there.

stonehenge
11-22-2011, 09:21 PM
:word: cez trolled that bish good

Cez★
11-23-2011, 02:30 AM
:mexitroll:

theholycow
11-24-2011, 06:47 PM
(Retail | Michigan, USA)

(I’m working at the dressing room of a Halloween store. A rather large woman comes up to me to try on a few costumes. All of them sized medium. Now, costumes run small, so these costumes are dress-size 6-8. I don’t say anything to her, even though I know they won’t fit.)

Customer: “Hey, I like this one, but none of them fit.”

Me: “Well, it looks like we do have them in a large, so if you’d like me to go get it for you–”

Customer: “No, I don’t want a large. I just want a bigger costume.”

Me: “Yes, but the only bigger costumes we have are size large. Halloween costumes tend to run pretty small, so–”

Customer: “Are you listening? I don’t want a large. I just want a bigger costume.”

Me: “Ma’am, the next size up is–”

Customer: “You know what? Screw this. This store is terrible. I am never coming back here!” *storms off*
:emokfc:

(Electronics Store | Paris, France)

(The customer arrives very angry at my desk. He nervously holds a memory card in his hand.)

Customer: “I want a new memory card. This one is really bad!”

Me: “What troubles do you have with this one?”

Customer: “It only makes blurry pictures!”

Me: “Well, I guess the problem might be the camera, not the memory card.”

Customer: “Oh, and do you have memory cards in black & white?”

Me: “Or it could be the photographer…”


(Coffee Shop | Wyoming, USA)

(The customer orders a latte at 190 degrees.)

Me: “Here is your latte at 190 degrees.”

Customer: “Holy crap! Why is this so hot?”

Me: “Well, we normally make our drinks at 160 degrees.”

Customer: “But I asked for 190 degrees.”

Me: “Right. I made it at 190 degrees. Would you like me to remake it at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “Well, I DID ask for it to be 190 degrees NOT 160 degrees.”

Me: “Ma’am, a 190 degree latte is hotter than a 160 degree latte. Can I remake it for you at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “No, I asked for 190 degrees! It’s too hot!”

Me: “Ma’am,I did make it at 190 degrees. That’s thirty degrees hotter than our normal temperature.”

Customer: “Whatever, can I just get a cup sleeve?”

Me: “There’s already a cup sleeve on it…only one will fit–”

Customer: “Just give me another sleeve.”

(I give her the other cup sleeve. She tries to slip it on, gets annoyed when she fails, and throws the sleeve across our counter.)

Customer: “Cheap labor is so useless!” *storms off*

theholycow
11-27-2011, 12:44 AM
(Call center | UK)

Me: “Good morning! You’re through to [name]. Can I take your plan number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have a plan number. What’s that?”

Me: “It’s on your statement and begins with the number ’14′, then a dash.”

Customer: “I’m looking at my statement and there isn’t one.”

Me: “It’s about half way down on the right hand side and begins with ’14′ dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. I can see where it says plan type, but that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, it says the plan type on the left. The plan number is just to the right of it, starting with ’14′ and a dash.”

Customer: “There isn’t one. There is no number beginning with ’14′. Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, I’m not calling you a liar, but if it is a statement you are looking at, then I promise it’s on the right side, half way down. It starts with ’14′.”

Customer: “There bloody well isn’t! The only number on here starts ’1′, ’4′, and a dash. Can’t you take that?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take that instead!”


(Coffee Shop | Peterborough, ON, Canada)

(I work in a coffee shop that is now advertising using real cheese instead of processed cheese.)

Customer: “Can I get a chocolate chip muffin please?”

Me: “Sure, that will be [price].”

Customer: “And can I get that without cheese?”

Me: *confused* “We actually don’t put cheese on our muffins.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I saw on the commercial that everything now has real cheese on it, so I really don’t want that.”

Me: “Well, we only put cheese on things like sandwiches. You won’t have cheese on much else. We have just changed to using real cheese instead of processed, so that’s what we’re advertising.”

Customer: “Well, that’s a relief!”

(Call center | USA)

(I work for a utilities company in collections, meaning I get people who are being shut off, or have been shut off. Our policy is to send several notices, and then shut off an account if no satisfactory arrangements are made. Where we give them a date, we can shut off the account with no one there, provided the meter is outside.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [utility company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m holding a shut off notice here dated for November 10th. When will my services be shut off for non-payment?”

Me: “As of November 10th, it is subject to termination.”

Customer: “Oh. Do I have to be there? I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “No, you don’t need to be there.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I get a hold on the account? I don’t have any money.”

Me: “Well, is there a medical condition pertaining to the services?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “How about an infant or an elderly person?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, how about a financial hardship?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, are you unemployed, or was there a loss of income?”

Customer: “Oh, no, nothing like that! I spent all my money on my vacation!”


:fp:

Cez★
11-27-2011, 12:58 AM
lol. my coworker worked in that department for our company. the story she has.

stonehenge
11-27-2011, 02:42 AM
Cez be like "CSBish lemme get dat :datass:"

theholycow
11-27-2011, 02:44 AM
dat :datass:? Is that anything like automatic ATM?

stonehenge
11-27-2011, 05:20 AM
no no cuz in person he just said "lemme get dat" and made the face, didn't actually SAY "lemme get dat dat ass" :nono:

Cez★
11-27-2011, 06:40 AM
old coworker :scared:

stonehenge
11-27-2011, 07:49 AM
:howaboutno:

shootermcgavin003
11-27-2011, 06:32 PM
all the same when your horny and its dark

Cez★
11-27-2011, 06:36 PM
:eekdoor:

chevy_man
11-27-2011, 09:26 PM
This thread is well worth the reading.

My own from the other day, magazine company called me. One of those highschool fund-raisers so I bought some from my sister to be nice.



Caller: I would like to offer you a complementary subscription because you've ordered magazines with us before.

Me: Ok....but I already have all the subscriptions I would want.

Caller: Well, we would really like to send you some magazines. Could we extend your subscriptions or would you like anything new...

Me:Well, if it's complimentary (which normally = free????)

Caller: I'm a trainee, please hold for my supervisor

Super: Yes, so if we extend your subscription that'll be $60. How will you be paying today?

Me: Ummmm.... why would I pay for something that's complimentary? Much less 3x the amount that I normally pay. And you really think I need to give you card or check info over the phone after you called and tried to rape me?

Super:Well, you didn't think we would just send you stuff for free? Are you trying to rip me off...(goes into a long rant about how I'm trying to steal from him).

Me: Well, I was under the assumption that complementary meant free, not that I need to go get a jar of vasaline and lube myself up.

Super: Uhhhh, (click)

stonehenge
11-27-2011, 09:34 PM
:lol:

shootermcgavin003
11-27-2011, 09:36 PM
:lol:

Cez★
11-27-2011, 09:45 PM
This thread is well worth the reading.

My own from the other day, magazine company called me. One of those highschool fund-raisers so I bought some from my sister to be nice.



Caller: I would like to offer you a complementary subscription because you've ordered magazines with us before.

Me: Ok....but I already have all the subscriptions I would want.

Caller: Well, we would really like to send you some magazines. Could we extend your subscriptions or would you like anything new...

Me:Well, if it's complimentary (which normally = free????)

Caller: I'm a trainee, please hold for my supervisor

Super: Yes, so if we extend your subscription that'll be $60. How will you be paying today?

Me: Ummmm.... why would I pay for something that's complimentary? Much less 3x the amount that I normally pay. And you really think I need to give you card or check info over the phone after you called and tried to rape me?

Super:Well, you didn't think we would just send you stuff for free? Are you trying to rip me off...(goes into a long rant about how I'm trying to steal from him).

Me: Well, I was under the assumption that complementary meant free, not that I need to go get a jar of vasaline and lube myself up.

Super: Uhhhh, (click)

:rofltank:

theholycow
11-27-2011, 10:24 PM
:picardpalm:

WTF is wrong with them?

lowerc
11-28-2011, 05:12 AM
fucken :rofl:

theholycow
11-28-2011, 07:23 PM
(University | California, USA)

(I work at a call center for a university. We call prospective students and tell them about our school. This call was meant for a young lady but was taken by her father.)

Me: “I’m calling from [university] to talk to [girl] about her interest in attending our university.”

Father: “University? Like school, papers, homework, and stuff?!”

Me: “Yes, that stuff usually occurs in a university.”

Father: “My daughter ain’t goin’ there!”

Me: “All right, have a nice day, sir.”

(Costume Shop | Massachusetts, USA)

Customer: “Do you sell stripper costumes?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Stripper or hooker, whatever. I need it for a Halloween costume party.”

(I assume she’s dressing up herself in a party for adults.)

Me: “Why don’t you just go to a lingerie store? Or perhaps an adult store?”

Customer: “Well, they won’t be selling sizes that fit my kid. She’s 6.”


Good parents, eh?

(Video Rental Store | Westmont, NJ, USA)

(I manage a small video rental chain that is open 365 days a year, including Christmas.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re open on Christmas. Who rents movies on Christmas?”

Me: “You’re here…”

Customer: “But I’m renting video games. That’s different!”


(Tech Support | Connecticut, USA)

(I work in a call center doing tech support for mobile phones.)

Caller: “The touchscreen on my phone is going crazy. It does whatever it wants.”

Me: “So, if I understand correctly, you can touch the screen in one spot and it responds as if you touched it somewhere else?”

Caller: “Yes! Actually, I can put it down on the table and it just sits there touching itself!”

:wank:

theholycow
11-29-2011, 10:15 PM
(Restaurant | California, USA)

Customer: “I’d like a kid’s bean and cheese burrito.”

Me: “Alright, would you like a fountain drink, juice, or milk?”

Customer: *turns to her child* “Okay, do you want soda or juice?”

Customer’s daughter: “I just want water.”

Customer: “But soda’s better for you!”

(Retail | Memphis, TN, USA)

(A woman comes into the store and walks up to the clerk.)

Customer: “Some lady parked wrong and is blocking all of the traffic in the parking lot.”

Me: “Did you see her come into this store?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t see her at all.”

Me: “Then, how do you know that it was a woman?”

Customer: “Because women always do things wrong.”

(The woman in line behind her gasps at this.)

Customer: “Well, that’s what my husband tells me.”

:jester:

(Concert Hall | London, UK)

(I work within a very large concert hall selling programmes for the concerts. A large man walks up to me.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

Man: *strong Russian accent* “Excuse me, but where is the Russian carpark?”

Me: “Pardon, sir, could you repeat that?”

Man: “Where is the Russian carpark?”

Me: “The Russian car park?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “There isn’t one. There’s just a regular car park.”

Man: “Oh.” *walks off*

Maybe he's in a hurry.

(I’m lying around with my boyfriend-at-the-time. I’ve just told him that I had randomly woken up shirtless that morning. Note: my boyfriend is from Nepal, so I sometimes can’t understand his accent.)

Boyfriend: “Was there a bee in your room?”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Was there a bee in your room?”

Me: “A bee? Like a bumblebee?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! They strip you!”

Me: *confused* “…What?”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t know that?!”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Boyfriend: “Jesus Christ!”

Me: *even more confused* “What?!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! I interviewed him the other day! He told me I was sexy!”

Me: “Jesus did NOT tell you you were sexy!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah!”

Me: “A lightning bolt is going to come down and hit you! I’m gonna get hit, too, because I’m right here!”

Boyfriend: *puts his arm around me* “If lightning comes, I push you.”

shootermcgavin003
11-30-2011, 01:14 AM
(Restaurant | California, USA)

Customer: “I’d like a kid’s bean and cheese burrito.”

Me: “Alright, would you like a fountain drink, juice, or milk?”

Customer: *turns to her child* “Okay, do you want soda or juice?”

Customer’s daughter: “I just want water.”

Customer: “But soda’s better for you!”


dad?

stonehenge
11-30-2011, 01:27 AM
Pepsi > water

-NHB

shootermcgavin003
11-30-2011, 02:02 AM
Pepsi > water

-NHB

my tombstone will say this

theholycow
11-30-2011, 09:28 PM
(Copy Shop | Ontario, Canada)

(A male customer in his late twenties, who I recognize as one of our regulars, enters the store flamboyantly. He is usually a very high-energy person, so this is nothing out of the ordinary.)

Me: “What’s up, [customer]?”

(He walks up to the counter and slams a huge wad of American money down in front of me.)

Customer: “Guess how much is there. If you guess right, you can have it.”

Me: “Uh…$3500?”

Customer: “Nope! It was $2500! You were close though!”

(All of the sudden, I smell the distinct scent of weed. I realize he’s totally high.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “So, what are you doing with all that money?”

Customer: “I’m going to Vegas, baby! Also, I need to pick up that fax you got for me.”

(I retrieve the fax. As I’m doing so, an elderly woman walks into the store. My manager comes out to help her at the other end of the counter.)

Customer: “Okay, thanks! I have to leave now. I need to get all the way to the airport!”

Me: “All right, then. Have a good time in Vegas.”

(He walks out, then comes back in a second later as he’s forgotten his car keys on the counter. As he’s leaving again, he stops in front of the door and turns back to face us.)

Customer: “Woo! I’m going to get herpes!”

:smokin:
(My husband and I are walking through the store holding hands.)

Him: “Hold my elbow.”

(I slide my hand up so our arms are linked.)

Him: “Hold my hand.”

(I slide my hand down so we’re holding hands again. I continue following his directions for a while.)

Him: “Hold my elbow. Hold my hand. Hold my elbow. Hold my hand. Elbow. Hand. Elbow. Hand. Elbow-Hand-Elbow-Hand!”

Me: “What is wrong with you?!”

Him: “My forearm was itchy and I wanted you to rub it for me.”

:crazy:

(Office | Pueblo, CO, USA)

(I work in an office for accounts receivable that takes payments, sets up payment agreements, etc. One night, I am working late on the fourth floor with a customer on the line when the building’s fire alarm goes off for a scheduled routine drill.)

Me: “Okay sir, your payment just went through. Your confirmation number is–”

Customer: “What’s that noise?”

Me: “It’s our fire alarm. They’re going to start clearing the building for a drill, so I need to give you this number quickly.”

Customer: “Is your building on fire?”

Me: “No, sir. It’s just a scheduled drill. Your confirmation number, if you’re ready, is–”

Customer: “Should I call the fire department?”

Me: “No, sir. It’s a drill. The building is not on fire.”

(I finally manage to give him his number and am finishing up the call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling finance, sir. Have a good evening.”

Customer: “You, too! Don’t burn to death!”


(Gas Station | South Carolina, USA)

(I am a cashier in a gas station that sells a fair amount of “tobacco” rolling papers. We just recently changed brands that are slightly different. Note that I just moved from the north.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ll take a pack of one point five rolling papers please.”

Me: “All right, we have [brand name] one and one half gold, [brand name] one and one half silver, or [off brand] one and one half. Which would you like?”

Customer: “I said one point five not one and one half. Don’t they teach math in school anymore?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s fine. I just wish they would stick to the three r’s still. Reading, writing, and ‘rithmitic.” *storm out*

Me: *stands there with mouth wide open*

Coworker: “Welcome to the south, buddy!”


(I am in the car, about to drive my boyfriend to the bus station. It’s about 4:30 am in November, so it’s extremely cold outside.)

Me: “Geez, babe, it sure is cold out here.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You know, with how hot you are and all, you’d think your hotness would’ve radiated and warmed everything up!”

Boyfriend: “Really? If you need to be warm, I can fart…”

Me: *facepalm*

stonehenge
12-01-2011, 03:10 PM
:roflmao: http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/

theholycow
12-01-2011, 03:52 PM
I need a brain enema after reading those.

theholycow
12-02-2011, 03:28 AM
From the GMFS shit thread:
http://i.imgur.com/ZhsG1.jpg

---------- Post added at 09:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:17 PM ----------

(Optometrist | Guildford, Surrey, England, UK)

(People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

Hah

shootermcgavin003
12-03-2011, 04:37 PM
I am in the car, about to drive my boyfriend to the bus station. It’s about 4:30 am in November, so it’s extremely cold outside.)

Me: “Geez, babe, it sure is cold out here.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You know, with how hot you are and all, you’d think your hotness would’ve radiated and warmed everything up!”

Boyfriend: “Really? If you need to be warm, I can fart…”

Me: *facepalm*

me?

TATERNATER
12-05-2011, 05:20 AM
got me, was it?

theholycow
12-05-2011, 08:45 PM
(University | England, UK)

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”


(I am eating with my girlfriend. There is a family of four at the table on the other side of us. I notice something odd about one of the kids at the other side of the table.)

Me: “Uh, sweetie.”

Girlfriend: “Yes?”

Me: *whispering* “I think that little kid over there is looking at your boobs.”

(She motions her eyes to the other table, where a boy, around 5 years old watches us. My girlfriend looks at him with a slightly odd stare.)

Me: “They start young.”

BAMF kid :imo

(Retail | UK)

(A girl, no older than 7, is counting items on the shelves.)

Me: “So, you like to count? What’s your favorite number?”

Girl: *cheerfully* “69!”

Me: *pause and glance at her mother* “Oh, that’s gr–”

Mother: *nervously* “Uh, um, her grandma just turned 69 today. She didn’t mean that!” *drags her daughter away*

:jester:

(Restaurant | Dayton, OH, USA)

Customer: *frantically* “Ma’am? Ma’am! My noodles are extremely dry!”

Me: “Those are not noodles. They are tortilla strips.”


(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

shootermcgavin003
12-05-2011, 10:40 PM
id request a whore too

idk about her but def a whore

theholycow
12-07-2011, 08:47 PM
(Donut Shop | Manila, Philippines)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”


(Retail | Onley, VA, USA)

(I work in the electronics department of a large retail chain.)

Customer: “Hello, I was looking to find the new Twilight.”

Me: “All of our Twilight movies are located over here. I can show you–”

Customer: “I need to find Breaking Dawn.”

Me: “Oh, well, our book department is this way–”

Customer: “No, no, no! I have the book already. I need the movie!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but Breaking Dawn doesn’t come out until Friday.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll just come back then.”

Me: “Ma’am, I meant it comes out in theaters on Friday.”

Customer: “So, you won’t have the DVD by Christmas?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no.”

Customer: “That’s just confusing! Why would the book come out before the movie?! It’s so weird!”

(911 | Oklahoma City, OK, USA)

(Okahoma has been getting a few earthquakes lately and apparently not everyone is used to them yet.)

Me: “911, where is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, I’d like to report that my house just shook.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that was an earthquake. Is anyone injured?”

Caller: “Oh! Is THAT what that was? Nevermind!”

...maybe they thought Hell was going to rise up from below through their house?

---------- Post added at 02:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:32 PM ----------

(Grocery Store | Indiana, USA)

(A very attractive woman approaches me at my office desk.)

Customer: “Where can I find the condoms…oh, never mind. I see them.”

(She walks over, grabs a bottle of ketchup, and checks out.)

Condoms...condiments...what's the damn difference, right?

shootermcgavin003
12-08-2011, 02:04 AM
id fuck her with either

stonehenge
12-12-2011, 07:03 PM
In another episode of "retail IT guy", here's a fun conversation I had with a customer several days ago.
For some backstory, we backed up and reinstalled her system, then reimported the data back into the right place. On the invoice, this shows up as a "operating system install with data copy".

customer walks angrily into the store and comes to the service counter

Customer: Where is my backup?

Me: you were in yesterday right? we reinstalled your system, but we put the backup back into the right places. It should all be there.

Customer: But it was all there before you started doing the work. It says right here that you copied my data. Where do you copy it?

Me: We back up the data to a temporary drive and then copy it back onto your computer after windows is installed

Customer: It was already there, I paid for a data copy, I want a copy of my data!

Me: ... you have it. It is on the computer. That is your copy of the data.

Customer: What drive did you copy it to. Do you still have the copy?

Me: We retain all data we back up for a week. It is on this drive. shows the drive

Customer: That's my backup, give me the drive.

Me: You want... our drive?

Customer: Well I paid for it didn't I?

Me: No, you paid for us copying the data to your computer

Customer: IT WAS ALREADY THERE BEFORE YOU STARTED. Give me that drive!

Me: ... I can give you an extra copy, do you have something I can put it on to?

Customer: I paid for that drive already, what do you mean?

Me: You paid for the copy service, not the hard-drive itself. I need something to put it on to.

Customer: Just put the copy on my computer.

Me: (too fed up to argue): Fine, I'll put another copy on the computer. You'll have to leave it with us.

Customer: Can't you do it while I wait?

Me: You have over 100,000 files including the old program files.

Customer: No I don't, I have 3 files. My Documents... iTunes... and... Microsoft!

Me: ... I can't get to it right now, I have other people to serve. It also takes a long time, the files are compressed on my drive.

Customer: If the files are compressed, it takes less time, not more time.

Me: ...
I don't think I could trust myself to speak to this woman, so I simply handed her a job card

Me: ... It will be ready some time tomorrow. Don't call us, we'll call you.

:fulloffuck:

theholycow
12-12-2011, 07:49 PM
:sacfp:

---------- Post added at 01:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:11 PM ----------

(I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months and want to tell him how I am feeling. My boyfriend is doing a PhD in math and is extremely, painstakingly accurate about everything.)

Me: “You make me really happy. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I feel really strongly about you.”

(My boyfriend nods and smiles. I wait expectantly for a response, but he just looks confused.)

Me: “Well? Don’t you feel the same as I do?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “What! Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I feel analogously to what I perceive to be the way you feel. Since I am not you, and therefore cannot experience your feelings directly, I cannot say that I feel the same as you do because I can never know exactly how you feel. I feel that what I understand you to be describing as your experience is something that I agree with and relate to, but it would be inaccurate to say that I ‘feel the same’.”


That dude is my new hero.

(Plumber | Hartford, Connecticut, USA)

(This is in the middle of a storm that knocked out the power of over a million people.)

Me: “[Company] plumbing and heating. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my hot water heater is broken.”

Me: “Okay, is it gas, oil, or electric?”

Customer: “Electric.”

Me: “All right. Because of the storm, I won’t be able to get there until tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? I don’t have any lights and now I won’t get any hot water, either?”

Me:“I’m sorry. What do you mean you don’t have any lights?”

Customer: “My power’s out. Now you expect me to go without hot water too?”

Me: “If your water heater is electric, it isn’t broken. It won’t work if your power’s out.”

Customer: “So, fix it!”

Me: “I’m a plumber, not electrician.”

Customer: “So, give me another type of heater!”

Me: “Do you have a natural gas line or oil tank I could connect it to?”

Customer: “No, I have electric.”

Me: “If you don’t have oil or gas, what am I supposed to hook the new heater up to?”

Customer: “I don’t know! You’re the plumber. You figure it out!”


Yup, that's New England for you.

(Retail | California, USA )

(I’m working a register as a odd looking man approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sexy, I have a complaint.”

(I just ignore the “sexy” part and move on.)

Me: “What’s the problem, sir?”

Customer: “That’s not your line! Do you want me in this f***ing porno or what?!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “You aren’t the girl, are you?”

Me: “Um…I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, then! Have a good day, miss! God bless you!”

Me: *speechless*
:naughty:

(Retail | Pune, India)

(I am a customer checking out at a famous Indian supermarket. To make things faster, I am putting the stuff from my cart onto the conveyor belt. Among my purchases is a pack of condoms.)

Customer behind me: “I can’t believe you are buying condoms! Don’t you know that sex is evil? Only the devil does it!”

(I am kind of taken aback, but I reply with an evil twinkle in my eye.)

Me: “Well, if sex is only for the devil and I don’t use condoms, then you’ll be seeing the devil’s kid next year!”

Customer behind me: *crosses himself and stares at me until I leave the store*

:naughty:

(My husband works as the surveyor for a huge infrastructure project. I call him at work, while he is out in the field.)

Me: “Hey, do you want me to see if I can get a sitter for tomorrow night? We haven’t done date night in a long time.”

(We have two kids, so date night is code for hanky panky.)

Husband: “Huh? Yeah, sure.”

Me: “Where do you want to go for dinner? I have a sexy new dress I think you’re going to like.”

(There’s no answer from my husband, but I can hear him muttering something about concrete.)

Me: “Hello? Hello! What are you doing?”

Husband: “Nothing. So, yeah, um, that sounds nice. Wait, what did you say?”

Me: “You know, you could at least pretend that you’re listening.”

Husband: “I am pretending!”

Sounds like something I'd do.

---------- Post added at 01:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:39 PM ----------

I don't get this one:
(A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)

8-year old son: “Want to hear a joke?

5-year old son: “Yeah!”

8-year old son: “Knock knock.”

5-year old son: “Who’s there?”

8-year old son: “Merry!”

5-year old son: “Merry who?”

8-year old son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”

(I laugh.)

Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”

---------- Post added at 01:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:44 PM ----------

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

:rofluhohwtf:

Cez★
12-12-2011, 08:27 PM
:pinchemom:

theholycow
12-14-2011, 08:19 PM
(Restaurant | Las Vegas, NV, USA)

Customer: “Wow, you’re ugly as sin.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “This is Vegas! You girls are supposed to be hot. I can’t believe they’d hire an ugly girl in Vegas!”

Me: “Would you like me to get you a more attractive waitress?”

Customer: “Yes, definitely!”


(I’m sitting on the top of a 10 foot slide, helping little kids up so their parents can climb up with them. A dad walks over with a baby who looks a little under a year old.)

Me: “Want me to help get him up for you?”

Father: “Nah, I got him.”

(He holds the baby like a foot ball.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how safe that is.”

Father: “Ready? Fly!”

(He throws the baby head first to the slide, to reveal the baby’s wearing a large cape. The mother comes running over.)

Mother: “George! How many times do I have to tell you?! Robbie is not super-baby!”


http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv315/theh0lyc0w/EmotiCows/supercow.gif

(I am buying some popcorn for my young daughter.)

Daughter: “Dad, what’s in popcorn?”

Me: “Uhm…well, that’s a good…I don’t know. Miss, what’s in popcorn?”

Concessions worker: “Corn.”

Me: “Well, that was embarrassing.”


(We are on a family vacation to Italy. We eat at the same pizzeria every evening. The cook comes out as we are leaving, and I want to say thank you.)

Me: “Grazi, sir! Your food is amazing!”

Cook: “You’re welcome! See you tomorrow!”

Dad: “Yeah! Gracias! Sayonara!”

Me: *walks quickly away*


(I work in a specialty bookstore. We have a number of plush toys from various science-fiction series around the store. A man walks in with his 3-4 year old daughter. He leaves her by the counter while he looks at books. She proceeds to ask what all the toys in the store are. She points at the Xenomorph by the register.)

Little girl: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a Xenomorph. They’re from the movie Aliens.”

Little girl: “They pop from your tummy!”

Me: “Chest, actua–wait, how do you know that?!”


(Pharmacy | Germany)

(An elderly gentleman approaches me at the counter.)

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “My butt hurts! I need medicine!”

Me: “All right, do you have a prescription? Or, can you tell me what exactly is wrong so that I can recommend you something that doesn’t need one?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong. But my butt hurts!”

Me: “Please go see a doctor then, sir. Without knowing what causes your pain, there’s little I can do.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to wait at the doctor’s together with all the sick people! I’ll catch a disease or something!”

Me: “That’s understandable. Maybe you could go early in the morning when fewer people are there?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to! I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Look at my butt!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t do that–”

(The man doesn’t listen. In front of me and three other customers, he drops his pants and underwear, turns around and sticks out his butt in my direction.)

Me: “Sir, please pull up your pants again! I can’t tell what’s wrong and you will have to leave if you don’t stop that!”

Customer: “Nonsense! If you can’t tell what’s wrong from over there, come closer and get a better look!”

(My boss then comes to look at what’s going on and ends up kicking the guy out.)

Customer: *on the way out the door* “Why will no one look at my butt?!”

:datass: :uhoh:

(My mom is wearing a nightgown. She bends over to pick up something, and my dad can see her panties. Both my parents are incredibly childish.)

Dad: “Woohoo!”

Mom: “What? What are you yelling at?”

Dad: “I can see your panties!”

Mom: *singing* “I see London, I see France, I see wifey’s underpants!”

(Dad is speechless.)

Mom: *continues singing* “Are they blue, are they pink? I dunno, but they sure stink!”

Dad: *to me* “Dear God, I think I broke your mother.”

Me: “I think so too.”

(And for the next 20 minutes, they both continue to sing rhymes to each other. At least they love each other, and at least I have headphones.)


(Restaurant | Miramar Beach, FL, USA)

(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

:eatAtY:

stonehenge
12-14-2011, 08:37 PM
:lol:

linden
12-14-2011, 10:20 PM
http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv315/theh0lyc0w/EmotiCows/supercow.gif

:datass: :uhoh:

:eatAtY:

2. i think thats a troll or a parent with downs

6. and hence why my girlfriend decided to go into clinical pharmacy and not retail

8. fucking el o el

stonehenge
01-06-2012, 06:42 PM
Saw this on Reddit:

I know we're just a few weeks in, but I think our department got our ticket of 2012

Actual customer inquiry:

Tried using the Support Mail form in [product] but could not connect. Have tried to download thenewesr version of [product] to no avail. Clicked run two times and save once but neither worked despite rewriting the setup file. Why is this so difficult? What do I do to make this work? What did I hit that the letters now slant?
Help

and I also jested at the first comment on reddit:

You're already a few weeks into 2012? I haven't even finished my first week yet.

lowerc
01-06-2012, 06:47 PM
You're already a few weeks into 2012? I haven't even finished my first week yet.


:lol: exactly what I thought

stonehenge
01-17-2012, 08:16 PM
A new IP phone system (with voice mailboxes) was installed a couple of years ago in our company. "Logically", IT became the responsible department. THEE boss made some policy decisions about telephones that have been considered not so logical (read: stupid) - I'm guessing based on his own personal opinions.

Departments are not allowed to have voice mail, (although the system was purchased specifically with this feature) because he fears "employees will not answer the phones and let it go to voice mail". Thus, calls are not answered if the person is not in their office. ಠ_ಠ

He requested I.T. set up music on hold for the phone system. I.T. set up about 50 adult contemporary songs on an Ipod Nano to be put on shuffle/loop and plugged it into the phone system (we have ASCAP and BMI licensing in place). He didn't like our selection of music, so insisted that we plug in a FM radio tuned to his favorite station that plays 1 or 2 of the same type of adult contemporary songs but also 30 minutes of commercials per hour. Now our customers/clients that have to be put on hold get to hear tons of shitty screaming car sales commercials. ಠ_ಠ

Occasionally complains about our automated phone menus. We don't even have that feature available and have to explain this to him at least twice a year. He confuses our telephone system with another business he frequently calls. ಠ_ಠ

Refuses to answer any ringing phone that he may be near, because that's "what my assistant is for". But later tells us the phone was ringing when we were behind the server rack, under a desk fixing power issues or scrambling to get a domain controller back on line. I'm not sure what we are supposed to do with this information other than to be informed that we missed a call. ಠ_ಠ

:fulloffuck:

theholycow
01-17-2012, 09:03 PM
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRW1C6WVskgZL0eF7pIu57BqrGJxaH7i ic6wK0fzQEZeLq0j-lc

theholycow
01-19-2012, 03:09 PM
Email about fire evacuation procedure....

Cow-orker: I can’t remember what door we went out for the last fire drill. Over the years we have used both. Can you let me know if it is the side door by the parking lot or the front door?

Cao: As I remember, it’s not about what door you use but where everybody meets up. I think you use whichever door is not currently on fire, then walk to the gathering area in the parking lot.

:jester:

stonehenge
01-19-2012, 03:26 PM
:rofltank:

C.D.S.
01-19-2012, 03:34 PM
Hmmmm!

C.D.S.
01-19-2012, 03:43 PM
? 'ello,'ello,'ello. What's going on here then?

Cez★
01-19-2012, 04:02 PM
:bertstare:

C.D.S.
01-19-2012, 04:04 PM
I just found Jesus.
Honestly,I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on.?

stonehenge
01-19-2012, 04:17 PM
:kittahstare:

theholycow
01-19-2012, 04:35 PM
Welcome. Say hi to Jesus for me.

C.D.S.
01-20-2012, 09:12 AM
My wife doesn't understand me.
I wished she'd learn to speak bloody English!

theholycow
01-27-2012, 09:38 PM
Credence Threadwater Revival up in this bitch, I've got a lot of these to post.

(Coffee Shop | Ontario, Canada)

Empty Cup Syndrome

Me: “Good morning, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a large tea, with cream and sugar on the side.”

Me: “Okay, just to clarify, the cream and sugar are both on the side?”

Customer: “On the side means it’s not in the cup.”

Me: “Okay, so they’re both on the side?”

Customer: “ON THE SIDE MEANS THEY’RE NOT IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING IN THE CUP!”

Me: “Okay, so you have a large black tea with cream and sugar on the side. That will be [price], and you can pick your tea up at the end.”

(I go make the drink, get the cream and sugar on the side, and give it to the customer.)

Me: “Okay, one large black tea with cream and sugar on the side.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing in the cup, right?”

Me: *speechless*


(My boyfriend and I are at the movies. The commercial that’s on the screen is one of a movie where two secret agents fight over a woman, a feud which escalates into a war. I lean over and whisper into my boyfriend’s ear.)

Me: “I hope you never start a war over me.”

Him: “No. It’ll just be a quiet assassination.”


(Electronics Store | Florida, USA)

(I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

Me: “That will be $87.96.”

Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

Customer: “What do you I do now?”

Me: “You give me more money.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”


(Tech Support | Winnipeg, MB, Canada)

Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”


(My mom is visiting for the weekend when my 3-year-old daughter bursts into the bathroom. It’s a running joke in the family that my husband hates it when his daughters run around the house without clothes on.)

My mom: *still undressed after her shower* “Close the door! Your dad’s right out there!”

My daughter: “Oh, it’s okay. Daddy doesn’t like naked little girls, but he likes naked ladies!”

Dubyagee
01-28-2012, 10:36 PM
Thread titles, How do they work?

stonehenge
01-28-2012, 10:41 PM
Roflword, will move the pics to other thread later if I remember. On my phone now.

stonehenge
02-03-2012, 06:37 PM
Little context, I work for a school district

We got a ticket in earlier yesterday and the first sentence is "Ms. Derp was looking up information on Groundhogs Day and got a virus." Already we thought this was kind of an amusing ticket. What could someone have found while looking up Groundhogs Day that would have infected their computer?

Fast forward to near the end of the day. My co-worker decides to head out and take the HDD out of this teachers computer so that we can scan it for issues back in our office. When he returns he says that the teacher had pulled the power from the computer and the power from the monitor, and that it was like that all day.

She kept saying, in a whispered voice, that she was looking up information about Gobbler's Knob, PA and that "It was on... everything! I mean.. EVERYTHING" Gobbler's Knob for those who don't know, is the location of Punxsutawney Phill, the fat little bugger who predicts if winter is ending early.

Our first order of business is to try and find the website that she got the virus from. So we fire up our web filter and check her history and see if we can find anything out of the ordinary. What we start to notice is that she is going to search engines like google and bing and searching for "Gobbler's Konb Webcam" We are already rolling on the floor laughing at the idea of a place called Gobbler's Knob, so this just puts the icing on the cake. So we decide to give it a try. We'll, to our supprise we discover that we have a policy enabled that prevents us from turning off Safe Search on Bing (which we now realize must not be applied to the teachers), and we find nothing on Google (likely because of our web filter). The day is starting to end, and we have no more time to look in to the issue.

Fast forward to about 5 min ago. I'm at home and I do a google search for "Gobbler's Knob Webcam" and clicked "images". What I found is something you SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING AT WHILE AT WORK. Thats for damn sure! I can't stop laughing at the way the image search goes from photos of a Ground Hog to photos of chicks sucking hog.

Then I go to Bing. I do the same thing. Its nothing but filthy knob gobblers! I'm laughing my ass off just thinking of the idea that we're going to have to explain why porn is showing up in the image results when a user is looking for "Gobbler's Knob, pa".

EDIT: I've discovered that leaving out the ' will make a HUGE difference in the amount of porn you find. This just keeps getting better.

brb google

theholycow
02-03-2012, 06:43 PM
"chicks sucking hog"

LOL hog again.

Cez★
02-03-2012, 06:48 PM
:lol2: dat hog

Barrrf
02-03-2012, 10:58 PM
"chicks sucking hog"

LOL hog again.

More GMFS spillover.

Gobblers Knob. I hope my IT doesnt decide to look into my history.

theholycow
02-06-2012, 08:53 PM
Not tldr damnit:

http://i.imgur.com/yWjm7.jpg

Barrrf
02-06-2012, 09:04 PM
ahh tru

stonehenge
02-06-2012, 11:22 PM
tl;dr

:dealwithit:

---------- Post added at 03:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:09 PM ----------

I'm not sure why I got so angry, but this guy pushed all my buttons...

This morning, I'm running late, heading out the door, and the phone rings, it's an older guy.

HIM: Where are you located?

ME: Sir, I generally don't accept drop offs, I'm onsite only. I come to you.

H: Where are you located? Is it the address in the phone book?

M: Again, I'm onsite only, and serve the X region..here's how I work (explain the service call charge, diags and estimate, and that gets applied toward the repair cost)

H: Well, I just need to know where you're located. (BUTTON #1: You're not fucking listening to me.)

M: Do you have a computer that needs repaired?

H: (Literally 10 minute explanation of his problem) TL;DR: His desktop clock would reset on every reboot (dead CMOS battery, a 2 minute job). He decided to take it upon himself to randomly start deleting things in Device Manager. When that didn't work, he then started fucking around with the BIOS settings, and now nothing works right.

M: Wow, Ok, so you'd like to make an appointment?

H: I was hoping you could tell me what to do next (BUTTON #2: assholes wanting free tech support when they've never been a client of mine).

M: Nope, not at this point, unfortunately, I'm going to have to take a look at it after all you've done to it. (I repeat my service call charge, etc.) Would you like to make an appointment? I can get you in today.

H: Well, all you're going to need is a disk to fix it, do you have that disk? (Button #3: You're a moron, and trying to tell me how to fix something after YOU FUBARED it).

M: I assume you mean a system disk, but I doubt that's going to fix the problem, based on what you've told me.

H: All I'm asking you is if you have the disk to fix it...Do you understand English? (That's it, it's over)

M: I understand English perfectly, and you turned what was likely a $50 job into God knows what...If you can find someone with a magical disk to fix it, you're more than welcome to call around, but I certainly won't take your business, because not only are you a moron who doesn't listen to people, you're rude as well. Good luck. click

:derp:

shootermcgavin003
02-06-2012, 11:39 PM
womenz

---------- Post added at 10:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 PM ----------

tl;dr

:dealwithit:

---------- Post added at 03:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:09 PM ----------



:derp:

real life fix my shit

:okay:

stonehenge
02-09-2012, 04:49 PM
From the "What is something slightly evil that you take pleasure in?" thread on Reddit:

I was bored one day, so I posted an ad in Craigslist "Lost/Found" section, claiming that I had found a significant wad of cash behind a seat in a Dunkin Donuts, and if you could describe it, we could meet up and you could have it.

Four days go by with no bites. Finally on the fifth day, a complete scumbag e-mails claiming it's his. After a few emails back-and-forth with him, "confirming" that he was the owner (Guy: "It was about $500" Me: "Yep! Sounds like you are the rightful owner."), we decide to meet.

I tell him to meet me in the most awkward, out-of-the-way corner on a busy thoroughfare, at 8AM on a Sunday. It was cold as shit, and there was freezing rain.

I made him wait..and wait.. and wait.. All the while, e-mailing him (he was on a smartphone) these bunk excuses. Meanwhile, I was sitting in my cozy bedroom, 100 feet away on the other side of the road, watching this douche from my binoculars. Seeing how patient he would be for a supposed $500.

Me: "yo man i'll be right there, just had to stop by micky deez"

Guy: "OK, I'm here waiting. Thanks so much for returning the money"

(10 minutes later)

Guy: "where are you? can you see me? I'm on the corner"

Me: "lol sorry my bad. they got shamrock shakes!! want one?"

(Guy getting visibly upset)

Guy: yeah sure

(5 minutes later)

Me: cool what size

Guy: anything is fine, whatever, small.

(5 minutes later)

Me: sorry they out of smalls, is medium ok

Guy: FINE just come soon please (now I can see him seething mad)

Basically, I tried to see how long I could keep this asshole waiting and salivating. It went on for about 30 minutes, including a brief trip to Target "yo man i'll be right there, just stoppin by Target".

I finally told him that I was in the car across the way, waiting at the light, and that I could see him. That's when I asked, "one last question bro, could you tell me what color the envelope was"

He flew into a rage and stormed off, back to the train into the city, 30 minutes away. His last e-mail to me was something along the lines of, "YOU PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKER YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG CONMAN YOU FUCKING SHIT" and finally, "I'LL FIND YOU I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE EMAILING FROM, THANKS TO IPHONES"

tl;dr: Made a fake Craigslist ad saying I found $500 cash and got a reply. Made some dishonest chump travel 30 minutes, wait in the rain and cold for a half hour, while I messed with him over e-mail. Meanwhile I watched him from across the street in my cozy bed, lulzing.

:lol:

Cez★
02-09-2012, 06:43 PM
:rofltank:

stonehenge
02-20-2012, 05:08 PM
you can just read the update in the main text up top and then read the first tree of comments, they made me jest

http://www.reddit.com/r/politics/comments/pxfd6/the_santorum_euthanasia_comments_where_the_fk_are/

theholycow
02-20-2012, 05:56 PM
They're all up in arms about a common political lie, but they've already forgotten the lawsuit he brought against Google?

Cez★
02-20-2012, 06:14 PM
americans must be way more abundant in ignorant numbers than i thought for him to be so popular :nono:

Barrrf
02-20-2012, 06:15 PM
RAWR-------funny shit. "I got euthanized twice last week"

stonehenge
02-23-2012, 09:09 PM
I work help desk for a 200+ person call center, and am the only help desk analyst in the company, so I get my fair share of stupid questions. (And now that I know this subreddit exists, I'll be sharing them here, of course.)

This one happened the other day. I have a group policy set so when a particular user logs into windows and they are in a certain group, they'll get certain icons on their desktop. One of which, is an icon for www.westernunion.com.

Coworker: "Khronanwork, I need to get to westernunion.com and the icon is missing from my desktop... do you know the website name?"

Me: Um........ www.westernunion.com

Coworker: Oh okay! Thanks!

she hangs up, only to call me back a minute later

Coworker: That didn't work.

Me: groan Okay, let me remote into your computer. Whats your computers name? It is written in sharpie on the top of your PC.

Coworker: Lemme check! puts down phone I don't know, its not on either one of them.

Me: Either one of them? You only have one computer.

Coworker: No, I have two computers!

then it dawns on me, she is one of the people in the office with two monitors

Me: No, those are your monitors. The computer is the tower where everything plugs into

Coworker: The what? I don't know what you mean."

Me: The black tower thing that says "Dell" on it, and has a bunch of wires coming out of the back...

Coworker: Oh, that thing. It says PCNAMEHERE on the top of it.

I remote into her computer. What do I see right smack dab in the middle of her desktop? the icon for www.westernunion.com

Me: Um. The icon is on your desktop. Just click it.

Coworker: Oh wow, you fixed it! Thanks so much, I owe you lunch!"

/facepalm

TL:DR Coworkers are fucking stupid.

and from the comments:

-But... which computer should I use?
---gotta make my mind up... which pc can I taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
-----WIN-DOWS! WIN-DOWS!
-----Gotta boot into Windows!
-------Everyone's looking forward to the blue screens, blue screens.

theholycow
02-23-2012, 09:24 PM
:facepalm: That's my life every fucking day and I'm not even the person they're supposed to call first.

Big Red
03-01-2012, 08:43 AM
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/545962_460s_v1.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/L3EsV.png

theholycow
03-01-2012, 12:50 PM
:rofltank: :repz:

stonehenge
03-05-2012, 10:55 PM
This is by far the worst thing that has happened to me working in IT/Tech Support over the years.

When I was in college I was the head lab assistant for the school. The computer labs were pretty large and there were classrooms off of the main lab. Normally the classrooms were locked at night and we would leave one of the smallest labs open if there were a bunch of people in the lab. Well it was right around midterms and the students who worked the last shift that night had left one of the smaller labs open so people could use the computers.

The next morning I walk in after my classes are done to start work and my Boss, the Sys Admin for the school and the CIO are all in my boss's office and when they see me they call me in. I immediately think something is up because they never meet unless it's a big issue. When I get in there they tell me there is a situation in the smallest lab that got left open the night before. I ask what the problem is and they tell me they'll show me.

We all walk in the lab and close the door and they point out a computer. I go to walk over to the computer and it's a milky white substance and there is porn on the screen. Yea, someone had shot their load all over the monitor, keyboard, mouse and lab table. I proceeded to ask my boss what we were going to do about it, completely weirded out that someone did that.

My boss said that the cleaners will not clean it so we would have to do it ourselves. So my boss and I borrow some heavy duty gloves and cleaning supplies and throw out the monitor, keyboard, mouse and clean the table. It was so gross. Before we cleaned it though my boss checked to see who was logged in and we found who the student was.

Security finds the student (a female) and they ask her who she let use her login and she said it was her boyfriend. Needless to say the kid had to pay for the equipment we had to get rid of (Who would ever use it again?) and he got 40+ hrs of community service around campus. To this day it's the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in IT.

:skeet:

theholycow
03-06-2012, 12:01 AM
If she had been a dude who he's friends with rather than a chick, guess who would have had to pay...

Why the fuck do people let others use their accounts?

stonehenge
03-06-2012, 01:23 AM
cuz :derp:

stonehenge
07-23-2012, 08:20 PM
yakpot: http://www.callhating.com/

theholycow
07-23-2012, 08:33 PM
IT yackpot: http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport

stonehenge
07-23-2012, 08:35 PM
yeah im subscribed to that subreddit. Some of the ones I posted in here were from there lol

Cez★
07-23-2012, 11:19 PM
skyrim lolz hahaha

theholycow
07-26-2012, 12:03 AM
http://notalwaysright.com/murrays-law/22083
Murray’s Law
Department Store | Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout

(I work at a complaints and returns desk. We generally get a few unreasonable and abusive customers each day, so we’ve developed a very effective tactic for dealing with them.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You guys are idiots!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Look at this receipt! Look at it!”

(He holds up a receipt for a purchase; it looks normal enough.)

Me: “Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “God, you’re so dumb! Look how faint the ink is! I can barely read it! You want me to go blind?!”

Me: “Ah, well, it looks like the printer’s ink was running a little low, and it can look faded because of that. Would you like me to reprint it so you can read it?”

Customer: “NO! Then you’ll just get away with it! Stupid idiots!”

(The customer starts getting worked up and begins a rant full of swear words and physical threats. I realise what the situation calls for.)

Me: “I am terribly, terribly sorry sir. That looks like Murray did it. What an idiot!”

(This stops the customer’s rant in his tracks and looks at me, breathless.)

Customer: “…Murray?”

Me: “Yes, Murray! He’s always causing problems for customers like you. It’s really unfair. I’ll deal with it right now.” *calling out* “Murray? Come here!”

(As per protocol, the nearest male coworker who isn’t busy comes over to play the role of Murray.)

Male Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “How dare you upset this customer! You’re fired! Get out!”

Male Coworker: *acts dejected* “I’m so sorry…”

(“Murray” shuffles off looking like he’s about to cry, and once out of sight gets right back to work.)

Me: “There we are, sir. You don’t have to worry about that sort of thing happening ever again. The customer always comes first, and we take complaints very seriously. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Wow, you guys are really great! Thanks, and good riddance to that idiot Murray!” *leaves*

(This isn’t simply to avoid confrontation; our manager estimates that using the “Murray” tactic to placate customers like this saves us nearly an hour of verbal abuse each day, so we have more time to actually help the customers who need it.)

Dubyagee
07-26-2012, 02:14 AM
Poor Murray.

theholycow
07-27-2012, 08:00 PM
http://notalwaysworking.com/it-was-a-drive-by-pooping/25847

(Doctor | USA)

(I’ve just had general check up at the doctor’s office. I receive a bill and find some charges for procedures I haven’t had done. So, I call their billing department.)

Me: “Hi, there is a charge for procedure [number] that I don’t recognize.”

Employee: “Yes, that was for stool culture.”

Me: “I didn’t have such an analysis.”

Employee: “But it says that you have.”

Me: “I definitely haven’t… uh… brought you any specimens.”

Employee: “Oh, that was just a smear.”

Me: “I’m sure I didn’t have such tests done.”

Employee: “Oh, they do it so quick you probably didn’t even notice!”

Me: *speechless*

stonehenge
07-27-2012, 08:08 PM
Wait did I just feel... nah just my imagination.

Dr: :creepygusta:

stonehenge
08-09-2012, 06:35 AM
http://i.imgur.com/Ujwwb.png

:rofltank:

stonehenge
08-09-2012, 09:59 PM
"I think it may be worse than bad, I think it's probably terminal"

So I work as the main Tech for a largish media firm. 200 or so users, all on Macs, spread over 5 offices (London, NY, Tokyo, Shanghai and Singapore). Over the last year we've moved from a hodgepodge of XServes and NAS systems to a Windows Server / Exchange setup, with all our Macs bound to the domain using a piece of software called Centrify. It's not the simplest of things to install, but I'd trust any of you, Mac experience or not, to be able to handle it.

Now I work in the London office, but I've had to come out to Shanghai to get them set up on their shiny new server, promote it as a DC, all that good stuff. I'm also here to train the local support company (an outsourced tech shop) how to handle domain binding on a Mac, and the encryption etc we'll be using.

So, since they're supposed to be providing first and second level support for 20 Mac users, you would think they've used a Mac before. None of them have. Not even idly passing through an Apple store. So far the list of technologies / things they've never come across stands at:

Bonjour
Terminal
Disk utility
Directory utility
The command key
Home folders (as in, the concept of the home folder containing all user data)
Firewire
Time Machine
HFS+ / why we don't use NTFS
The ambient light sensor
Why you might use a root account
Unix style directory listings
Why we don't have a Registry
Why we might have an Antivirus installed (SarbOx. This one isn't even an apple thing, it's just IT)
That Microsoft Office was available for Macs (we use Outlook exclusively)

Oh, and one of them just connected a USB drive and Sophos immediately flagged it as containing 2 trojans and a worm in the folder for an Acrobat keygen. That's 4 pretty massive no-nos for us.

I just emailed my boss saying "I'd trust my Mum more than I trust these guys, it's pretty bad". The title is his response.

tl;dr: i just travelled 4000 miles to explain which way up a firewire cable plugs in

:sacfp:

theholycow
08-10-2012, 12:41 AM
:scared:

Cez★
08-10-2012, 04:48 AM
get it i dont

Keeler
08-10-2012, 06:04 AM
Mother fucking word.

Sent from my teepee

lowerc
08-10-2012, 01:44 PM
why do they speak french in shanghai? :bonjour:

oh and :dattimemachine:

http://www.gocarlo.com/lagalerie/images/delorean-profile-512.jpg


:smileshrug:

Cez★
08-14-2012, 02:01 PM
http://squishyeeyore.tumblr.com/post/28744563028/public-humiliation-done-right

stonehenge
08-14-2012, 02:19 PM
:lol: foo got told

Barrrf
08-14-2012, 04:22 PM
why do they speak french in shanghai? :bonjour:

oh and :dattimemachine:

http://www.gocarlo.com/lagalerie/images/delorean-profile-512.jpg


:smileshrug:

Anyone know where I can buy posters of this pictar? Or of the one posted below?

http://kilotr.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/delorean.jpg

stonehenge
08-14-2012, 04:50 PM
no but here's a higher res version of the second one:

http://zebraisfood.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/delorean.jpg

Not sure if it's high res enough to print as a poster tho :/

---------- Post added at 08:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:38 AM ----------

kinda bamf:

http://www.thepropblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/ScreenUsedDelorean1.jpg

just print these three and put them side-by-side:

http://marcusespenlaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/BTTF1-add.jpghttp://marcusespenlaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/BTTF2-add.jpghttp://marcusespenlaub.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/BTTF3-add.jpg

They're bamf high-res.

or this one:

http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/101/6/8/back_to_the_future_delorean__sketch__by_haduken32-d4vtj57.jpg

shootermcgavin003
08-15-2012, 01:10 AM
50S bttf dmc has pepsi crate on the hood

bttf 1 and 2 he drank pepsi too bttf is great

Cez★
08-15-2012, 03:52 AM
this is lol text not BTTF pix thread douchers :pissedfist:

lowerc
08-15-2012, 02:03 PM
Successfully derailed lol words thread :happy:

Cez★
08-15-2012, 03:00 PM
hows about i derail your face

stonehenge
08-15-2012, 03:07 PM
:omg:

lowerc
08-15-2012, 03:40 PM
:calmdown:

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA | Top

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

Cez★
08-15-2012, 03:42 PM
:security:



Also,
:rofltank:

stonehenge
08-15-2012, 04:47 PM
:lol:

stonehenge
09-20-2012, 07:45 PM
I work in I.T. at a hospital and we have a team of "analysts" that support the various specific computer applications the hospital uses. While I don't know their specific job titles, we usually just refer to them as "the I.T. analysts" and ourselves as "field support."

Today my boss shows us an e-mail he just received from an analyst that had provided a screenshot for specific settings for a program that needed to be set for the users. Immediately we all notice something wrong with the screenshot. First it was in black in white, second it was fading out in the upper-right corner. It turns out that instead of using Prt Scr, this "IT Analyst" flipped her laptop all the way open, set that bad boy down on one of the Ricoh copier/scanners and set it up to scan to pdf and e-mail it to herself so she could forward it to the rest of IT. /facepalm

TL;DR - IT Application Specialist takes "print screen" a little too literally.

:facepalm:

theholycow
09-20-2012, 07:52 PM
:gorillastare: